Why is everything so fucked up? I finally realize that i'm over this guy that ive liked for a long time, this week i realize it. and this is a good thing. instead i like a different guy who i also have no chance with . and i have a theory about this  first guy, and i totally think that i'm right with all the evidence pointing towards it. but then last nite he's shivering like really hard which is totaly not normal for him- i've never seen him shiver i don't think. and like he's giving me a back/neck massage and then i feel so bad that i like cuddle against him to warm up. i cuddle with people, it's not a big deal. what is a big deal is that when i'm trying to warm him up, things get progressively more cuddley, which makes me a bit worried given my history with him. and then he kisses me. we have this insanely confusing way of somehow always making out when we're together, within close proximity to one another and when all others around us are asleep...
i like it, he's a good kisser, but now im so damn lost about how i feel about anyone. and both of these guys, this one and the fairly new one are really good  friends of mine. so when we start kissing i ya know try and turn away. and it's not heavy making out. we just are starting to make out and i turn my head after a couple seconds when i break myself out into the real world. but we're like holding each other which is really nice and we're just together, and the kissing happens a few more times, me always turning my head away. eventually im like i just dont want anyone to get hurt. i dont! i dont want myself to get hurt again, i dont want him to be, and i dont want anyone else to be hurt either! so he eventually goes back over to the big lay-z-boy-ish armchair cause we both know there's a good chance that this would happen again and we already said at my birthday party that it needs to stop. but then after a while i get really really cold, so i go sit with him in the chair which eventually turns into me sleeping on him. and i had this weird feeling that we were kissing again, but i was asleep so i thought it was a dream. all i remember is lying there curled up with his arms around me, and we were holding hands, and i just like fell asleep and felt ike that. i don't know if the cuddling and kissing dream was a dream or if it was real. but whatever it was it just felt really really nice being there with him. he's really nice and warm. when i woke up  he was in the other room apparently playing video games with tom and my mouth and lips were really sore. i'm worried about it, and just confused. i just want everyone to be happy. and i dont want anyone to get hurt. and im kinda freaked out about mentioning this to anyone in case people find out. i did not mean for any of this to happen. i just realize that i dont like him like that anymore on like sunday, and ive liked this other friend since new years. and i dont know how i feel about anything anymore. im so so confused. cause this guy's been acting weird, and a few of us have been worried and thus my theory came. but now i dont know ! i wish he'd decide what he wants, and if it isnt me then stop kissing. im fine with cuddles, but not kissing. and i wish i could tell this other guy how i feel but im scared that like itd like scare him away and i love him too much as a friend to ever do that. aaa!
meep.
love and flowers,
-zhannichka