i feel like my life is going nowhere. i dont know whats going on with anything. its scary that i dont know what im going to do for the rest of my life. it seems so scary. only a few months ago i knew exactly what i wanted to do, what i wanted to happen. now im not sure at all and its just scaring me. and how am i going to get into college anyway? im going to flunk out of high school because i went to treknorth this year and wrecked my life. and im going to flunk the act and the sat in june. i dont know anything that i need to know for them. im so so scared and i have no one to turn to and that in itself is scary and frekaing me out. no one knows im freaking out inside though. i feel like im burning out. and i dont want to.

if i dont get into a college, which i dont even know whats going to happen cause im not gonna either be accepted in my dream college, or i wont be able to pay for it. and do i really want to be an anthropologist? i want to be happy in my job and my life, and i also really really want a huge victorian house that i designed kind of , on the ocean near a city. or do i want to teach english? or what the hell do i want? i dont know! everything i was sure of has been shattered! if i dont get into college, my life is over. thats it, theres nothing else. i have nothing to offer. ive given everything away. and what i got was stolen away.

im soso scared. i need things, and i cant get them. im screwed up. i screwed up. nothing matters and then at the same time everything matters. why did i go to treknorth. the only good things were taken away there too. i want so badly to have a band. to play guitar (which needs to be fixed, they found out why its buzzed on 2 strings the entirety of my time with oz), and i really want to sing in our band. is it our band? im understanding that nikki never was attatched to the idea, im the one who has always tried to get together. and now with craig, i know he actually was interested, but i dont know if he cares, just because im me. i dont know why he doesnt talk to me anymore. he was one of my dearest friends before we started dating, and i still consider him one of my best. he knows more about me than i do. and if anyone is going to not talk, shouldnt it be me cause i was the one who was dumped out of the blue? but if i still want his friendship , and he first said he wanted to still be friends, then i dont see what the problem is. its not like im gonna chase after him, hes made it clear that he doesnt want me. and im not stupid. so what the hell? wish hed be man enough to tell me, and get over whatever he needs to. if i still want to be friends though i was hurt, then why should he have a problem. if he does, is the thing. at the same time that i havent seen him on msn since he dumped me, i also know that hes been really freaking busy. im torn.

i feel like im being ripped into tiny shreds. and yet i feel that nothing matters anymore. and im really really scared, and i just need something. maybe someone to hold me when i cry once. not everytime i cry, i mean thatd be quite a job to hang out with me every night. a few days i thought i had missed crying finally! and then i felt where tears dried on my cheeks and my pillow those nights.

i want to turn my life around. but i need help. and i have no one.