so....in pbl time. last nite i guy i used to know killed himself. a bhs dude, derek . he was friends with the guys who were horrible to me- channing boe, etc. but its just so weird. like back in 9th grade when brittney? or someone killed herself. i had no idea who she was but i remember i was in french class and jessie johnson was crying and it was horrible. a part of me never wants to do that just so i wont hurt people but a part of me still feels like, well, especially as of late, that no one would care. im sorry, i just cant help feeling that i mean nothing to anyone that i care about. they all ignore me or brush me off. or most likely block me off of their msn. corey made some stupid comment today. he didn't even know who derek was. he's all mister hoidy-toidy with his "o i can tell you why he did. all those people are the same. " i totally freaked out on him. how the hell would he know! and how could he be that stupid and mean and just.....arrogant! i nearly killed him. i totally freaked out on him. the half of the advisor that actually heard him with his head up his ass were fuming! macarah said that she nearly punched him, grace was all ugh. after lunch he apologized to me. he was a bit arrogant about that too, but, ya know, when isn't he?

anyways....so if any of my guy friends read this.....so my prom is april 24th, and though i may be a freak, im still kinda cute, at least dolled up like a fairy-tale princess. so.....any of my guy friends gonna come rescue me for a night? not that any of you read this, but on the very teeny tiny off-chance. i hate being corner-girl. and that happens even when i go with a big group of friends. ugh. no one's gonna ask me so i figured i might as well post that....its not gonna work, no one reads. not sure if thats a bad thing or a good thing. lol. im simultaniously trying to convince myself that prom isn't a big deal, that its pointless and stupid. im failing miserably. since i was a little girl ive dreamed of going. i know im still a junior but we're leaving that out cause im being forced to go next year. anyway, ya know. this year i was actually going to go. that most likely fell through, i have no hope for that. but ya know. i really want the perfect dress, the perfect knight-inshining-armor date who brings me a bouquet of roses, dandilions, and daisies. that for one night i could be thought of as beautiful. a princess. i dont know. i wish, ya know? it means a lot to me. the likelihood of that happenning is slim to none, but im hoping to have a hope. a chance. anyways -zhannichka