so yeah.... in my opinion being that it was valentines day when i wrote all of that shit, its excusable so people should forget about it. lol, fageddabouwtit....or something. if ya've seen mickey blue eyes youd understand.

so. all of a sudden today i realized that well, comparitively speaking of course from between 3rd grade til now, im pretty damn hot! note the comparitively speaking. it baffles me (kind of, a big kind of), how guys cant see that. i know of four guys total who have ever thought ive been attractive in the slightest, and one was frickin matt dobens from kindergarten! and when he tried to kiss me (he got my cheek), i nearly beat the shit out of him! he was on the verge of fucking bawling! only one has ever really really liked me, but he dumped me, and yeah thats about it. at least hes cool (yes nature boy, thats you). erik.....just no. and then apparently one of my guy friends had a crush on me for a few weeks, but just no. just no.

in any case, i dont understand this. as my friend mark once said " all the guys in minnesota have to be total idiots". that was a really nice thing to say. i believe that was after erik dumped me. man , being the dumpee sucks, even if you dont truely like the person anymore, you just try so hard you almost believe that you still like him, but you know you truely dont. shite i hate 9th grade dating. ugh i was so stupid then, i nearly dumped him multitudes of times, but i didnt cause i tried. then he fell in love with my best friend. and became a stalker. not badly though ive been minorly stalked by a pervert who said really gross things to me, but he says he only did it to make me mad. that asshole. im still scared of him, i still flee when i see him.

in any case, im pretty. i just ya know, realized that i know i am, even though i feel like im the most hideous person in the world sometimes. but im not. and im just sick of being taken for granted when i deserve so much more. im gonna find my way back to reality and out of the paranoia hell dimension someday. someday i wont have nightmares every night and wake up with bruises all over me. and i just wanted to let yall know that. im a wonderful person. but i am the way i am because of all of my friends. my brothers, lol, my sisters, my best friends, friends that just help me through everything bad, as well as everything good. yeah i know, im getting cheesy here, but i do that sometimes, and its not always a bad thing. so yeah. mikeymike, matt (even though i get annoyed at you, i still love ya bro), markymark, craig (yes dude, you're still one of my best friends, hell you probably know me better than mike, and perhaps mark!), erin, nikki, laura, kate, megs, bonbon, jessiej, tiffany- your comment on here helped a lot, thanks, silas, abby, amos, roy, all of you guys. i love you all. thanks.

and i ruin it with this. holy shit that was pathetic. lol, could be part of my eulogy. or however the hell you spell the damn word. i have a guitar strap!!! wahooo!!! and ive been practicing. though i need to tune my guitar and cant find my tuner, which makes me sad ;(. man i cant wait til im truely happy again. itll feel great again, and i need that. too many bad things happen. too much fighting, too much crying. too much pain. but those sparks of laughter make it better. yeah. ill be normal tomorrow, i dunno what the hells with me.

love , hugs, flowers, and such!!!

zhannichka