so last nite i went to tim smith's house for roy's bad poets thing. it was pretty cool, when abby and i got there ( i gave her a ride), they were watching a really funny comedy show with this british transvestite. quite good. and yeah. so i only knew a few people. ive met tim before a few times, like when roy had this bowling this with april and people and my sister drove with me in the front seat, and crammed in the back were tim, roy, and erik. this is when i was in 9th grade and dating erik. why the hell did i do that? not comprehending!!! ugh
ok so yeah, roy was trying to shove erik out of the car. iw as yelling at them and the door got opened once and kate freaked. kinda funny.
anyways, so yeah, so i know who he is, and i knew roy, abby, tibby, and cory. i knew who some others were, but ive never talked to them, so i was kinda really intimidated by, well, almost everybody. lol, once again i was the quiet one in the corner. they all seemed fairly nice though. once a bunch had left somewhere, i went to talk to tibby and bart hanus let me read his story which was hilarious, being based off of, i think he said hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, little red riding hood, and little bunny foofoo. lol! so yeah. so i was talking to them and hes pretty cool too. ive like never talked really to anyone else besides the aforementioned trekkies and tibby, so yeah. im thinking that i was like so scared of these people cause they're like i think the majority are craig's friends.....and yeah. im kind of scared by criag now, and i dont understand this. of course he doesn't seem to seriously want to be friends anymore with me, though it was he who said that he wanted to in the first place. im so confused by him. i dont fucking understand any of this shit thats happening whatsoever anyways. in order for me to understand anything, it has to be thoroughly explained to me in person. ive probably said that hundreds of fucking times.

so yeah anyways it was pretty cool. it was like the smart people....and then me. lol, i liked it though, i just wish i knew some people and they actually talked to me . and i also wish i didnt feel stupid and insignificant around everyone else. im working on that.

so erin was supposed to teach me how to snowboard today but she canceled, so i get to be stuck at home on fucking valentines day. i hate it here too. i dont know i just cant stand my parents sometimes. i dont mind the house as much when theyre not here, and i feel really bad about it but thats just how i feel. OH MY GOD GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! ILL DO ANYTHING !!! if anyone wants to do anything ever, just give me a call or an email. call preferably.

so valentines day sucks

i was happy but that dissappeared. well, no i guess i wasnt happy. lol, im like never happy, but i can act very well, so well that no one notices when i was crying 5 minutes earlier. or when i feel like i want to plunge a sword through my heart. theres already one in place of my heart which stopsn on occasion. it only started on friday nite. wonder why. lol. its not like people care though, i only hold on for that god damn promise. im not even sure if mike even cares anymore, or mark. or nikki or erin, or anybody.

i just want to feel loved again. i want someone to just take me in your arms and tell me that itll be okay. that ill get through this. that im worth something. i miss just randomly being hugged tightly and then kissed. i miss that, and i keep waking up and thinking it was a bad dream again , but the thing is that this time its real. and that scares me and hurts me so much i dont think he could even comprehend even if he tried. i dont think anyone could. til time ends eh? well its still slipping by now. it hasnt been forever yet, and i havent stopped wanting you. or loving you. you dont even care though, do you? not like you read this anyway so nothing i say or feel matters.