so, considering the craig broke up with me, im thinking hes never gonna read this again. so if im ever tempted to bitch, i can. though i dont really want to. im just really really confused. part of me is just what the hell, cant he see what hes missing? and then most of me just wonders what i did wrong. whats wrong with me? i dont know, i just dont understand how someone could love someone that much and then one day stop. i dont really feel anything except for confusion. and that feeling that you have that you have a large, blunt, metal pole wreathed in fire shoved through my chest. but thats all. i can barely feel sadness, much less happiness, joy, anger, anything. just .....i dont know. its like ive been torn in half, yet im numb, so numb that its frightening. ive nearly gone off the road five times. i just lose track, and the next minute i know, im swerving away from heading into the ditch, a tree, or a sign. why am i like this? im not even angry. well at myself, perhaps, but i just feel really really alone. lost. betrayed. scared. i lost my safe place. “lying on the floor, ive come undone”. im cold. inside. i dont understand, i wish hed tell me what i did wrong. nikki read my tarot cards. lol. and they said that my past influences that lead me to be so damned paranoid are what annoyed him and did what i had all those bad dreams about. i was so paranoid that hed hurt me and break up with me that i acted weird and freaky so he did just that. he promised me that hed never do that. he said hed love me until time stopped or until i didnt want him anymore. well, i still want him. even if i dont have his heart any longer, he still has mine. maybe thats why i feel so empty, i have no heart. and yeah. so, my heart has literally stopped three times. it was scary and my chest feels like its on fire. and ive only cried a few times. but thats because i cant feel anything. and im not exaggerating. i cant feel. just why? i want to understand. i need a hug. he was my safe place, i trusted him with all ive got. but even if he never comes back, i still love him, and if all i can be is friends with him, then ive got to at least be that. ill always be there for him. i just wish i had someone to just wrap me in their arms and tell me that its alright. someone i can cry to. and they wont be scared off. or ashamed. i wish i had someone that loved me. but i lost him. its all my fault. im sorry. i love you. if it matters, or if it ever will. and im sorry. ill try to not be scared or paranoid. ill try until it kills me. yeah. just wanted to let you know that.

love, flowers, hugs, and such

-jessie