so, christmas eve is here, and im in wisconsin. there is no freaking internet here, so if and when i write again, they shall just have to be posted when i get back. as i said, we opened all of our presants last night, so all thats going on is....church. me, at church- im forced to go every year, though it’s always so strange because there’s this whole weird, i dont believe in like the christian god or beliefs, but im not going to worry about it because i am not getting into that for at least a very very long time. and yeah. so.....yeah. weird feeling. so......tomorrow more relatives come- grand total of 14 people, including us. im listening to manson. babble babble, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party, sex sex sex, and dont forget the violence. i suppose that its not the best thing to be listening to at 6 pm on christmas eve, but ya know.

those poor cows! they filmed sick cows and it was so sad! why dont they find a cure? i think that if there’s a way to get the disease, then there’s a way to stop it.cows are cute!! and yeah. my parents wouldn’t let me bring oz here, so i cant practice til saturday, nor did we bring my damn skates. but here, the lake is not frozen all that much. so...... i have no comments to reply to, being that i have zero internet access for 3 more days....im gonna die. its become like this obsession, like a drug. im freakin addicted!! hi, im zhanna, and im addicted to the internet. lol, so eww, that reminded me of the saturday night live skit - because im good enough, im smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me. the weird sweater guy who i either want to strangle, or run away screaming . though i want to scream and run away for quite a multitude of things, but this is an exception. ooo, metallica song.....is now ending........its weird to write when one has no life. but then again, i never have one, therefore i always write like that. and now afi- yayyy! oooo!!! so, this shopaholic stopped at the duluth mall today and got an afi shirt- which kicks ass, and doesnt make me look horrible. again- kick ass!! so.....my grandpa’s house is warm and toasty....yet im still frozen. its weird. im not sick though.

so! how is everybody, or how are you all, or how are you?. singular, becuase my sister is here as well, therefore leaving one other person who read this, and that being a certain crack addict- heeheehee. there’s a thingie on the news that was talking about text messaging- twas a bit odders. so, im going to make a playlist of songs that i want to learn on the guitar to give to my teacher, so i might actually learn something there. when i get home- olga.net and mx tabs. here’s one by the donnas, which would kick ass to learn. “and i think that i want you on the floor, come on and take it off” . the craig messed up the lyrics before-heehee. but the solo in this song, i think it kicks a whole lot of arse . the solo before “just do it- you dont have to ask”. dot dot dot. methinks i am going to input a few of my sister’s cd’s if she lets me. i have to get changed for church now- aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! if ever i have offspring, i shall never force religion on them, because that has screwed up a significant part of my life. anyways, off to change .

ok, im back from that. i didnt screw up! i always manage to, usually, though i never know how. im getting good at lip-synching apparently. i dunno, it feels wrong to actually say that stuff, like im betraying myself, or something. though i was forced to go , yet again, today did not suck. the tree that my grandpa set up is really really pretty, which it usually is, though it’s always different. o dear, grandpa is getting started with talk of the war in iraq. does this “war” have an actual name? im not sure, since it is always refered to as “the war in iraq”. he wants people to take the tanks and run over every car in iraq or something. i dont understand this, hell, i dont understand war, much less agree with it!! in fact i think that war, rape, abuse, pollution, and the destroying of rainforests and endangered animals, much less regular ones, are the sickest things . it just ....its unexplainable, how horrible these things are. like the death penalty. is it right to kill someone for killing someone? you’re just repeating the crime itself, and thus becoming the person that you hate, who hated someone so they killed them. dont people understand this, you become the person you are “punishing”! you’re killing a killer, how is that better than what they did? “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”-mahatma ghandi.

everyone disregards what i say. they dont listen to me, they keep continuing their discussion after a brief pause after i say something that i believe is important. its like i dont exist!

thursday, december 25, 2003

merry christmas! so today started out kind of dull, but turned out fairly well. i saw my aunt judy and uncle roy, as well as eric-my godfather/cousin, and his wife sherre. auntie judy, tio eduardo, dave, and eddie and pam came too- it was pam’s first time here, that i did not know. i was not actually grilled today, and dad only yelled at me a few times, and that was just for listening to my music. in my stocking today i got the two summon the keeper books by tanya huff that i had wanted, as well as chocolate and a picture frame and a mini calendar of ireland for my desk- i still need a big one for my room though. my auntie judy and tio got me a llama trinket thingie from peru, and i got a gift certificate to borders books from eddie and pam, both of which kick arse. i talked to the craig tonight for a bit! that made me happier, because actually it was my parents idea- last nite and today they were all arent you going to call him? you can call if you want. so i finally took advantage of that, so yeah. still no internet access. not that its supposed to change, its not going to because my grandpas computor is like from the 70’s or something- really really old. my sister got an arsenic and old lace dvd, which well probably watch tomorrow, because that movie kicks ass- most carey grant movies do, though i have not seen all of them. i forgot to bug my parents a lot / hint around, that i wanted the movie bringing up baby. i love that movie--carey grant and katharine hepburn- two of the greatest actors in the entire world/of all time. so.....yeah. its 11 pm now, and im actually getting a bit tired.....so i might write in the morning

friday afternoon

we have no water. i think i am in hell- i cant take a shower, and i had to use bottled water to brush my teeth and to put in my contacts. this plumber dude didnt have the right stuff , so he has been gone for two hours, and i am in hell. i need my fucking shower. dammit!!!!!! i am going bloody insane, and this dude is late getting back for a SECOND time!!! i think if i dont get a shower soon, imn gonna strangle somebody. and im a freak- i cant get dressed if i dont take a shower. at like sleepovers and stuff its fine, but not here, not when im in a bad mood. i think i actually am going insane, and i really just want to freak out right now, and people think that im so whiny because i wont get dressed, but its like i cant because ill get my clean clothes all dirty and gross. and i wont be able to wear em til they get washed. i dunno, my brain gets freaky like this on occassion. and im a cranky bitch. i dont understand why anyone would want to be with me at any time- im a freak!my family agrees with me that i am too. so in college, ill probably try and not have a roommate and save them the trouble of going insane. this goes for living with anyone ever, because i always either drive people crazy or i hurt them. or i annoy them with my complete lack of self-esteem, and i dont know if i will ever change. maybe i should just be single for the rest of my life. but for some strange reason that might hurt the boy, and i could never do that, so its like im in a never ending cycle- i hurt him (and me, because i really dont want to) now, or i do this later without meaning to and he’ll leave later. both times ill get hurt too. cause i do love him. i just dont want to hurt him. but i know im going to end up doing that whatever i do. i hurt everyone. im hoping that if he reads this hell actually talk to me face to face because im too chicken to bring it up, because im afraid of what he’ll say. though , on my third hand (no, im not serious, i only have two), i just want to be with him for as long as i can, and maybe i wont hurt him and it’ll all be okay. because i dont want to break up with him ever and i hope that he somehow understands this. that he does know that i love him and that im just writing this because im scared to shit

later, friday evening

im clean!!! and cold. sorry about the freaking out earlier, i was just in a horrible horrible mood. i think that sometimes i think that this is too good to be true- the relationship thingie. though it is not actually a thingie, its actually real. i hope it still is anyway. do you understand that sometimes i just freak out and its nothing? i hope so, because i dont want to hurt you because i love the craig o craigness. and yeah. hope you still feel the same way after uh, the previous writing. im not going to do anything stupid- and thats besides what i normally do, because i am a pretty stupid person, if we’re talking in general, but im not stupid enough to give you up. but im not going to delete it because i write what comes into my head because this is my writing bloggie thingie, so its like my head , only not. and if you ever do want to be with me forever, which you said you do, then this might as well act as a warning to you. though i have warned you that i am screwed up before, but this is just how i am. i dont want to be hurt , because i have this thing where i hate being hurt in any way- i am a wimp. and yeah. a warning. and though i hope you will write what you think or feel, either here or in email, or just talk to me in person; i still hope that i will find it to be good news to the both of us. because i do love you. so there! *girl sticks tongue out at boy* (possibly an offer)( depending how boy still feels)

my auntie judy’s cell phone makes pretty odd noises- it whirls and such. hey! im on page 4. though this is my entire vacation writing. im in the middle of reading mattimeo, which totally kicks arse. hehe****hehe, i can say that i love chickenhound and only one person will know what im talking about**** though since i have said that yall can probably guess. c’est la vie. zhall! oh my gods, people eat a lot here. its insane, that and they are all obsessed with pie. i dont really like pie. sometimes i wonder if i was switched at birth. my sister says i am but then im like,then you must be too- i think we’re the only two chicks with this nose in the world. that and flat feet. ya neez ny-you. letsee, random song time- hmmm what shows up--the fear by trust company. i like trust company, though ive only heard two songs of theirs- who knows, they actually might suck. SUCK ASS!! o yeah, they could be that bad. i get kind of weird in cars, sorry about that craig- i was kind of an annoying twerp. meh- next song-- scarlett from the bed of roses soundtrack. ive never actually seen the actual movie, i just like this song. shut up, its a really really (emphasis on the really guilty) guilty pleasure. ewwww....i just got this really horrible horrible flash of a day-mare. dream, bad dream. people can never ever die. watch out for cars everyone. new song, from .....the buffy musical. i know! i know! im freaking weird. honestly, who would name their child “buffy”? much less their pet/owner. the slash owner means you are sick if you name your cat buffy. because cats are not pets, really. quite the opposite actually. according to 101 dalmations (cartoon version, the only one i have seen all the way though), dogs are like that as well. kittie! sorry, i like music. o they lit a fire. okay, so apparently PEOPLE (a-hem!) have gotten me to have this little new annoying habit of tapping along to the FUCKING DRUM parts of songs. i realized this when my sister smacked me for FUCKING TAPPING when i was listening to music. grrrrrr!!!!!!!! ooo! take it off- the donnas! ya know usually, people inherit habits from me. for a really long time erin started saying bloody/bloody hell.now everyone is saying spiffy and spiffers. oy freakin vey. now someone actually transferred to me! silly magical people.aaaaa! goddamn computor logged me out and i nearly lost my entire entry. fucking a. now im listening to a song which *some people might call an evil song that was plucked from a swirling vortex of some random hell dimension- st. anger, by metallica. which the drummer uses a different ? snare drum for it? did i get it right? i think i might have remembered something correctly for once. possibly. i dunno, you have to tell me. being here is really driving me insane. haha, the smoke alarm just went off because of the fire- grandpa said that he doesnt know why, he doesnt see/smell any smoke. ive been smelling it stongly in the other side of the room away from the fireplace, since they lit it in the fireplace. and i said where on the offchance that some weirdo is reading this and thinks that my family (true , though they are), are such a bunch of pyros that they lit a fire in the middle of the living room floor, or some weird shit like that. once again, im pretty odders. i dont understand many things either. ooooo new song. always- saliva. i like that song, although not as much when i was exceedingly bitter- not that im not bitter, but considerably less so than i was prior to early november. shush you, you arrogent brat. and you’re right, you dont have to be so arrogent. *girl sticks tongue out at boy again* im on page 5, like halfway down. and yes, i said like- i say the word frequently. likelikelike. ha! so there. my sister says that i have ADD. but i dont have that, im just a reallyreally weird egelhof. wow, my family on this side is also weird. direct quote” where are you going to?” “miami” “miami!! you mean miami, not your-ami. ok, our-ami” my 26 year old cousin responding to my.....uhhhh...13? year old cousin carl saying that he’s going to miami. dave being the childish one. oy vey. AAAAA!!!! FREAKING YOUNG PEOPLE!!! I LIKE BEING SHORT!!!! SO THERE!!!! AAAAAA!. apparently according to my grandpa, being sunburned is against the law. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!. my uncle bob seems so happy to be on the phone. lol, that was short lived. o geez, they’re making more food. i thought i ate a lot normally. .....freaking getting teased about one fucking inch height difference....

i miss the internet. well, we’re leaving tomorrow and hitting the mall in duluth again- i want to get slippers-either cookie monster or oscar the grouch. or something else. i love hot topic, it makes me happy- as does barnes and nobles and starbucks inside of it- peppermint mocha frappachino. ooooo nummy-ness. im going to go finish the buffy movie (with luke perry) now.