Entry: iron man- black sabbath Dec 10, 2003



oy. this beginning of a week sucked, but tonight it was slightly better. matt was gonna move to california but apparently dan called his parents and hes coming back to school on thursday. YAYYYY. for that im happy. but god dammit i was really freaked out cause he was supposed to drive out today to minneapolis and catch a flight to california tomorrow morning. i learned this on sunday night, i believe. yesterday was major freakage. crying for 5 hours straight is not fun whatsoever. and like after school i went and saw erin that day (monday) and just started crying in the store. dya know how freaking embarrassing that is?? ugh! i couldnt help it though, hes one of my best friends ever, and it seems like everyone is leaving me. mark and cedes are in nh, so technically i left them, but mike left, matt was gonna leave, craig, you’re going to college next year, and a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me. i tried to do stuff with bhs people, but just like when i left nh, only a few have cared to email me or call. the others just seem to want to dissappear from my life forever, and i get so scared. its just really scary for me, because my friends are my life. i dont want to lose em. Anyways, yeah.

So, now it’s Wednesday. Last night before I started this, I got into a huge fight with mom. Yay. note enthusiam. i dont even remember it much now. i remember being really lonely and sad afterwards. i keep thinking that everyone is gonna leave me, as i wrote above. merff!! but then i had a bout of paranoia, and was thinking, wow, im a scary scary person and stuff.but then i was calmed. intentionally or not. argh. its weird. and craig, i just realized that u and my sis are the only people who read this. heeheehee. so i can say basically anything i want. except i cant. but i can. but i still have nothing ever to say! lol. anywayzers, i finished tam lin again. that is my favorite book ever. i want my own copy, but its out of print, and it makes me really really sad and such. But my sadness is almost all gone, but i still feel weird... empty, but not. i dont feel as alone as i did, but a bit empty.....anywayzers..... now im in my last class and its 11:30 am. exactly. so....rivers laugh and you beat them. according to forrest and seth anyways.

So today.....im thinking that this will be a really long ass writing thing. I dont really understand anything today.....hehe. i dont know. i was talking to mattvei today about life, and its weird that i have ideas of what i want, but only that. no real specifics that i thought i had. what i consider important throughout life, which also confuses me. i have a harry potter band aid on my computor. i think emmy put it on there. anyways yeah. i feel like im nobody, yet something that matters. apparently i do to a few people. i dunno. this week has me all ugh. and i blame it on matt. hah. yes you matt, though you dont read this. cause this past weekend was one of the funnest ever. as i said a couple days ago formal. IM SORRY !!!! i feel bad about the hat.....im sorry. and butterfly is not nessicarily about sex, its about love that he is trying to get back. analyzing things is bad. though im just not good at it, but then again im not good at math and psych and philosophy....maybe there is some tie there. or im just stupid, lol. if you can say it i can. even though you arent. so there. ummmmm......yeah. dammit i found out we are going to wisconsin during christmas break for 3 or four days.....not january 1st though, and that day im gonna do something. i dont know what, but i shall. i dont like going to grandpa’s that much anymore, cause it reminds me that grandma’s not there. its weird, i didnt cry at her funeral. or granny’s , or aunt kathy’s.....i dont remember crying at a funeral. i guess deaths dont phase me that much. so many people die, and im sick of it and im so scared that people are going to just die on me. it goes back to the leaving thing. i dunno. Mister Spock!!!! yeah, philosophy, logic......i could never be a vulcan, lol.

so...i dont know what potato ole’s are.....plum is attempting to explain projects in advisor by using the concept of a 16 year old boy with head-to-toe acne and and obsession with potato ole’s......im confused. i hate food. i need to not eat. it hurts when i do, hurts when i dont. shit . i forgot my guitar, and im out of cash....shit. wow, im on my second page already.....

o! so yeah.....this is kinda weird......people read this and know me, and its just me. other people should get these journals too. if they want. kat, do you still have one? im confused. so apparently we need to be ringwratihs.......plum’s logic is a bit weird. i think we have a new york meeting today, but im not sure. possibly....something. lol. i dont know what we are talking about whatsoever. i need help. mental . perhaps. do. you. like. all. the . punctuation. ? its a wonderful thing. ok, so not really. so......i cant think of any project for our new york trip! its so annoying! i cant think of anything whatsoever for any project. i feel like i have no real interest in anything, maybe thats why im so indecisive. so.......cory is kind of annoying, he doesnt listen to anything else, but what hes talking about. but hes still nice. wow , so niall has a guitar now. oh my god! he doesnt listen to anything i say, he just completely talks over me! cory, not niall, ive never really talked to him all that much. anywazers.....so yeah......cory is cool though.

so......im talking about two other guys on this......ya jealous?? huh??? huhuhuuhuhuhhhh???? yeah, nope, i know. hehe. formal you were jealous.....cause i said id marry silas. that made me happy, lol. but know what else makes me happy? mandarin oranges out of a can. i dont know why. so yeah....ok, so there is nothing to be jealous for, i was just kidding. considering one ive never really talked to and the other is not into girls. and its me. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! see? i shouldnt be dateable. im screwed up with zero self-esteem. and i rant about meaningless little things and say im stupid and ugly and horrible, and you shouldnt like me. there is no logic, and you have logic, and then i keep going on and saying you shouldnt like me because of this, and that is my point which has no point and im insane and i dont want to hurt you!

..........anyways.......this site has become a mini email thing almost. so..... how weird am i ? why the hell do you like me, what do you see in me? maybe i need to do something to make me happy and content today.....i think ill take a bubble bath. they spread joy and self-esteem. im not always this horrible you know. just this week makes me feel all ...horrible. so i am sorry. ill try and be all happified. or happy-ified? i dont know.......................ummmmmmmmm............im on my third page! do you know whats goodness? rainbows. and stars. and comfy-ness. and happiness. and warmth. and music. but not songs stuck in you head *a-hem* iron man *a-hem* lol. heehee. hey, i feel a bit cheery! yayers. i think ill stop writing though, seeing as though im on my 3rd page. heehee lol.

love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka

   3 comments

the pirate.
December 15, 2003   12:16 AM PST
 
*smacks self* i have eaten potato ole's many a time. i just conveniently forgot that i did so. hell, those are my major source of nourishment on greyhound rides.
oh, and guess what i'm NOT taking to bemidji? THE GREYHOUND! *does massive happy dance in laura's honor*
oh, and mr. stupidhead emailed me, apologizing profusely and sending this long weird rant about cold medicine, television commercials, and talking to potheads about government conspiracies.
cold medicine.. oh, so *that* explains it. hm.
i think i need to sleep now.
*waves goodnight and falls into bed* mmmm warm blankets...
Schmoegurt
December 13, 2003   11:32 PM PST
 
potato oles are those round potato things at taco john's
black sabbath is great
i used to use a lot of punctuation, still do but not as much because strasser kept chewing me out for it
as to the "how weird am i ? why the hell do you like me, what do you see in me?" you kind of answered yourself, people consider some of the things i like weird (like the 80's/early 90's stuff) you like a lot of the same "weird" stuff

oh, and plum is awesome *nods*
the pirate.
December 10, 2003   05:56 PM PST
 
--i sort of have a journal, but it's basically an excuse for me to whine.
--i don't know what a potato ole is and i don't want to know. are those the ones with olestra, that artificial fat that gives you diarrhea if you eat too much? and how the FUCK is that an analogy? oh, yeah, it's plum.
--since when the hell do you listen to black sabbath? jeez, i leave town for a few months and look what happens..
--i want a harry potter bandaid on my computer.
--i don't like mandarin oranges. actually, i can't remember the last time i ate one. but i don't think i liked it.
--what i do like are clementines, so if you are at the grocery store and see seedless clementines, please pick me up some, because they are wonderful and tasty.
--and i'm not getting married for a long ass time, so you can't marry anyone, especially not silas, because that would just be surreal. i mean really. silas as my brother in law? wouldn't work. nope.
--and no getting married before i do. for fuck's sake, i can't even get a date.
--you are kind of obsessed with punctuation, but so am i, so that's okay.
--now go watch pirates of the caribbean cause i can't.
--and if you actually read these comments, which i wonder, a) no one is going to leave you, b) if they do i'll kill them and plant them in your yard so they can't go anywhere, and c) i forgot what c was. oh. because you are a violently kick-ass person. sometimes violent as in kicking my ass. so please don't do that. but yeah. you are grand fun. and anyone who says different i will chop them up into leeetle tiny pieces.
--bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.
--oh yeah. and if you keep having bad self-esteem i WILL kick your ass because i'm your sister and i can do that sort of thing. so yeah. quiet with the bad self-esteem already, my feet are going to get tired because of all the ass-kicking ih ave to do already...
i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE finals AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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