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Jul 9, 2006
Posted at 05:34 pm by irish_rainbow
Apr 16, 2005
So i advise people to scan for viruses because there's apparently a new one through msn or something...
my hard drive crashed....that really sucks. other than that and having a massive stress breakdown yesterday, things are going quite peachy. all the snow is gone which makes me insanely happy. and prom is less than a month away. still am deciding about going brunette...not sure. ack!
im kind of out of it. i want to get out of bemidji today. i dunno
my hands are shaking
love and flowers,
-zhanna
Posted at 12:02 pm by irish_rainbow
Mar 26, 2005
*take me home tonight- eddie money*
Why is everything so fucked up? I finally realize that i'm over this guy that ive liked for a long time, this week i realize it. and this is a good thing. instead i like a different guy who i also have no chance with . and i have a theory about this first guy, and i totally think that i'm right with all the evidence pointing towards it. but then last nite he's shivering like really hard which is totaly not normal for him- i've never seen him shiver i don't think. and like he's giving me a back/neck massage and then i feel so bad that i like cuddle against him to warm up. i cuddle with people, it's not a big deal. what is a big deal is that when i'm trying to warm him up, things get progressively more cuddley, which makes me a bit worried given my history with him. and then he kisses me. we have this insanely confusing way of somehow always making out when we're together, within close proximity to one another and when all others around us are asleep...
i like it, he's a good kisser, but now im so damn lost about how i feel about anyone. and both of these guys, this one and the fairly new one are really good friends of mine. so when we start kissing i ya know try and turn away. and it's not heavy making out. we just are starting to make out and i turn my head after a couple seconds when i break myself out into the real world. but we're like holding each other which is really nice and we're just together, and the kissing happens a few more times, me always turning my head away. eventually im like i just dont want anyone to get hurt. i dont! i dont want myself to get hurt again, i dont want him to be, and i dont want anyone else to be hurt either! so he eventually goes back over to the big lay-z-boy-ish armchair cause we both know there's a good chance that this would happen again and we already said at my birthday party that it needs to stop. but then after a while i get really really cold, so i go sit with him in the chair which eventually turns into me sleeping on him. and i had this weird feeling that we were kissing again, but i was asleep so i thought it was a dream. all i remember is lying there curled up with his arms around me, and we were holding hands, and i just like fell asleep and felt ike that. i don't know if the cuddling and kissing dream was a dream or if it was real. but whatever it was it just felt really really nice being there with him. he's really nice and warm. when i woke up he was in the other room apparently playing video games with tom and my mouth and lips were really sore. i'm worried about it, and just confused. i just want everyone to be happy. and i dont want anyone to get hurt. and im kinda freaked out about mentioning this to anyone in case people find out. i did not mean for any of this to happen. i just realize that i dont like him like that anymore on like sunday, and ive liked this other friend since new years. and i dont know how i feel about anything anymore. im so so confused. cause this guy's been acting weird, and a few of us have been worried and thus my theory came. but now i dont know ! i wish he'd decide what he wants, and if it isnt me then stop kissing. im fine with cuddles, but not kissing. and i wish i could tell this other guy how i feel but im scared that like itd like scare him away and i love him too much as a friend to ever do that. aaa!
meep.
love and flowers,
-zhannichka
Posted at 12:43 pm by irish_rainbow
Mar 23, 2005
wow, so i was having a pretty decent day today. got home from erin's and then went back into town, met jessie for lunch went on a walk, fairly cool. but i get home and one of my other friends sends this bitchy reply asking if i was seriously retarted . i fucking sent out a joke email like to see what people would say to an idea that two of my best friends thought up years ago, since i remembered it the other day. i get a couple funny replies, and one that says wtf explain this. then today the bitch one. thats all she said too. what the fuck is with everyone lately. theyre all moody and shit.
argh!
i guess i have been too, i dont know why. like last week totally rocked. got to hang out like every day since wednesday with my friends and friends from college. then they went back and things went downhill. although not, but just peoples' attitudes. oy.
something good is bound to happen. i just have to remember that.
love and flowers,
-zhanna
Posted at 03:11 pm by irish_rainbow
Feb 23, 2005
i dont want to be alone anymore- billy joel
so, i dont really have anything in particular in mind here so im just gonna write as i please. i got new jeans and a kiss me, im irish shirt, with a white shirt underneath. thats a pretty spiffy thing.of course i also had to get khakis for choir since we have a concert on monday, which in all likelihood will suck ass since we dont know the music very well. la voce ballo is also preforming though, so im gonna have the mega hair again. eep!
i finally made up my econ test today. i hope i did super well so it pulls my grade up. man, and i have to make-up time for gym and drafting. yargh. i hate gym class. oh i have to remember to bring my cd player for gym class. some weird ass moronic dance thing. grrr
so bob and i are actually talking about stuff. it's actually kinda cool that we can now instead of just not. cause the whole confusing thing was confusing. but at least we can talk about it now without it being too weird.
ah, back and loggin on the net. oh man, my computer is warm. yay! its freaking. yack i cant spell today!
i got nothin'
love and flowers,
-zhanna
Posted at 11:17 pm by irish_rainbow
Feb 14, 2005
today is the worst day in the world. i hate valentine's day. ugh!
i don't know what's going on in my head anymore. everything's all tipsy it seems. and no, im not drunk. just...something. i dont know. sometimes i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. but i dont know. i hate not knowing anything! and dammit, i hate being alone, its one of the things im scared of the most. that and bugs and heights.
i graduate in approx. 3 months. how scary is that? and then ill be spending the next 4-5 years in north dakota. even less mini hills. meep. but at least it'll be better than high school. or so im hoping.
i so need to get out of the house right now. im going crazy. but there's nowhere to go which pretty much sucks. and like none of my friends are home, because they actually have lives. damn, i hate being sad. this seriously needs to stop.
eh, at least i have a billy idol cd. that helps. lol!
i might write later if i can think of anything to say.
love and flowers,
-zhanna
Posted at 07:26 pm by irish_rainbow
Feb 9, 2005
* livin on a prayer- bon jovi *
so i'm terribly confused about everything and i think i'm going even more bonkers. *twitch*. anyway, today was another knowledge bowl meet and my team took 11th, which is better than last time. i need to remember to sit out on the last round since those seem to be the more science-y questions.
tomorrow i have jv show choir again. did i mention we suck? like last nite at practice we taped our run-through and omg its sooooo bad. AND WE COMPETE ON SATURDAY! aaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so frickin scared. not to mention scared and confused about other things happening in my life and the moronic thoughts that should die before i ge hurt worse. yak. all that = me exploding. and i have to do major work on my floor plans and do make-up work in gym class as well as putting extra time in in drafting 2. econ i dont understand so thats just struggling anyway. and yeah. oy!
oh man. so i really need to concentrate on not being a dumbass in my writing since i dont edit it, this is just my first initial thoughts and such that get ranted down and posted.
oh man... everyone should read the web comic "something positive" choo choo bear is my hero.
yeah
i need to find a guy who kisses me and means it. a boy who i like and he likes me back too. and sings to me. or at least makes an attempt. as long as he tries to, because he would know that it would make me happy that he at least tried to do something i wanted. and he has to not be afraid to cuddle in front of people. not like making out, that is where privacy is a good thing. but i love cuddling. it makes my world go 'round. oh and backrubs. my back hurts sooooo frickin much right now. ow!
and yeah...
i really need to stop thinking about this. and i kind of want to damn my friends for thinking this up. but then id have to damn myself for asking other friends what they thought bout the first friends spontaneous ideas based of my feelings that stuck after getting burned hardcore. if anyone understands that, i congradulate them because i don't.
this is where i apologize for my horrible grammer, spelling and the like.
anyways, i might as well make some sort of an attempt to sleep pretty soon. and maybe someday i can actually start to make sense on here. til then,
love and flowers,
-zhanna
Posted at 11:27 pm by irish_rainbow
Feb 4, 2005
* two princes- spin doctors *
So, things have been a bitty crazy as of late. I went to my first Knowledge Bowl competition and my team took 13th out of 20-something, and the two others got 2nd place:tibby's, and 11th:mikey's. it rocked. I got through the Show Choir Dinner Show, which wasa also crazy, and I think half of my brain cells died from all of the hairspray fumes. I made it through AP Lit with I think my report card said a C, or C-, not sure, only glanced. Oh, and I turned 18 on Monday. That was like THE BEST birthday I've ever had. One of my best friends- Erin, and I drove up to Grand Forks to visit two of my freaking awesome guy friends at their college. We spent the night and watched some crazy movies. And we danced! Bob put on freaking awesome music and started dancing with Erin, then with me and then I finally conviced Winston to dance with me as well. It was awesome, as well as for multiple reasons. Then Erin and I eventually made it down to Fargo to see Camille at the mall and for me to get a bellybutton piercing, but the place was booked, which depressed me, but then we got a bit of shopping in before we all had to leave. Erin and I stayed a bit longer, then we went outside the entrance where she said we came in....and no car. We walked around the ENTIRE mall looking for Fred the Van, and we finally found it....at the entrance next to the one we started out with , in the opposite direction where we started walking from. o yeah. yay adventures! oh and then we couldn't get out of fargo, and turned around bazillions of times like when we nearly went to bismark. oy. we were afraid we'd die in nd! lol.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so one of my friends, keep in mind shes only 13, just did something INSANELY IDIOTIC with her boyfriend whom she had been paranoid he'd force her to do something. and no its not sex, but still, its bad. not to mention EWWWWWWWWWW! omg! i am so angry and annoyed!!!! AND VERY DISAPPOINTED IN HER! shame! aargh!
so had to scream. winston was very awesome and let me rant a bit. i'm apparently obligated not to tell anyone specifics like names or anything. but if anything else happens, i'm letting people know and we're going to hunt him down.
anyways, tomorrow is my party, but before that i have show choir practice. again. i can't believe hastings is next weekend! aaa! i am so frickin nervous it's insane. aa!
eep
and lastly murff
love and flowers,
-zhannichka
Posted at 10:18 pm by irish_rainbow
Jan 2, 2005
* i believe in a thing called love- the darkness *
I finally made two years! im so happy and that was yesterday at 12 or 12:01am. yayy!!!!!!!! oh man that rocked. spent the night with a bunch of friends and that just was awesome. i cant say the same for my spelling though since i keep having to go back and type in the random letter im missing with the fast typing. oh well.
i got the greg the bunny dvd's from the wonderful but yet sadly short-lived show. oh man
so much awesomeness in one teensy weensy box thing. case. whatever the word. but yeah, that was cool. and i just got back from seeing meet the fockers with my friend kelly. freaking hilarious, oh man. i really hope that that doesnt happen when im going to get married. yeesh! though sady i think that is a very likely thing. lol! my family's pretty goofy so it would only fit. first though i need a greg to my dharma.
hmmm....what else is there....i guess i could go randomly spouting off about anything in the world and no one could do a thing to stop me, mwahahhahaa! .....actually they could shut off the power and/or internet, or chop off my hand or break my computer, but those are rather unlikely events and also id rather not think about that. im in a jolly good mood actually! and rather glad about that. know what else makes me glad? the fact that boys smell good. well, some do. but hen they do its awesome. oh man ! i think that every boy, or at least every cute boy should wear that axe stuff. holy god! its so frickin nummy smelling ! id like to kiss whoever invented that stuff. but yeah, thats a good thing for guys. so that weird list that guys should do to win me over, yeah a tip is that if you wanna do that, you should wear that. along with serenading and bringing flowers and hugs. not that anyone wants to but im just writing here even though none of that will happen.
i have realized yet again that i am a pansy. like just now it dawned on me how pansy i am! like i already knew but it hit me again. i dont think i will ever be able to ask out a boy im so pansy! like how pathetic is that?! eh, well if they want me they need to do the asking.bah, whatever
hmm, i still need to finish everyones presents, except tibby's i gave her her scarf. still need to do the other stuff, which i cant say because sometimes a few of my friends randomly read this. id rather start spouting off about boys and have them read that than talk about that. but the presents will come.
again with the boys though if you want to make a girl's knees go weak wear the axe stuff. i dont know why i keep talking about it but oh man!
anyways it back to school for me in the am ;(, but i will write again. and i really want to go sledding or bowling. and i turn 18 soon, and i know it won't happen cause it never has, even when i did have a boyfriend last year , he still didnt take me, but on my birthday i want to be woken up with music and flowers and taken ice skating on my birthday. like by a special guy. its not gonna happen but its what ive always wanted. *sigh!* sad that it wont happen, but i encourage people to do this anyway. meh.
i cant wait for my birthday either. hope it rocks. im planning on going to fargo that day, so if the skating occured it would have to be early before i leave or like that night under the stars. *sigh*
guys are silly. oy. anyways
love and flowers and such,
-zhannichka
Posted at 11:14 pm by irish_rainbow
Dec 14, 2004
CRAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh man!!!! hi!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks for the comment, it made me feel a teeny bit peachier. but yay! hi!
lol
-zhannichka
Posted at 07:05 pm by irish_rainbow
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