or in my case, the lack of a job, which is eating my brain

Man, I can’t believe that I haven’t written for so long!! Aaa!!! So my computer is being weird and like correcting all of my like mistakes for me. Like capitalizing everything. Oy. And the computer won’t let me see what im typing on blogdrive, which is really quite silly. Anyways…..updates! im learning how to play sweet child o’ mine on the guitar, which kicks like major ass, seeing as though I already have the intro memorized for guitar part 1. its summertime. And I got my report card, I got a fucking d in advisor!!! My project was not late, it was done and linda even saw it. She just didn’t have time to look at the paper but gave me full points for the art. She said “sorry I don’t have time to read the paper but ill give you full points for the art part” but the paper was there, in full.  Erica says that the paper part was late until the 4^th of june. No, it was done by the extension she gave me. I just couldn’t get it graded  because by the extension, the teachers for the most part were gone on their trips. Including Erica. And she is so rude! She was all if you worked so hard on it during advisor, why was it late. Because ya’ll weren’t back until the last day of school, except for plum, whom I forgot about getting it graded. Yes, that part was my fault, but the god damn thing was done. And you’re just giving me a sucky grade because you have always disliked me and play favorites.  Ever since I came into your advisor you’ve played favorites. You adore abby. Yes shes smart, but to me she’s a snotty bitch for no apparent reason. I may not be as smart as youd like me to be or as tortured as is acceptable for her, but dammit, I worked my ass off, went well over the 2000 words I had to write, and dammit im a good person. Ugh!

            Another little thing that’s gone on is me losing a best friend. Matt. So apparently he likes me and just because I don’t like him back (it freaks me out and I think it’s gross because ive always thought of him and  mike like brothers) he says I should just forget about him. And hes being a real jerk. I don’t get it. I cant help it that I sont think of him like that, I don’t. in fact, I like another guy, and matt’s known it for quite a while, cause I tell him just about everything. So this really sucks and I don’t understand it one bit.

            And I still have no job, so I get to work my ass off at home. Yay….or not. grrrrrr……………………………

-zhanna

went to duluth this morning! ....got up at 4:30 am......argh! that part sucked. but then i actually succeeded in dragging my ass out of bed and into the shower without passing out on the way. 4 hours of sleep, woo! uhhh yeah. almost was late, but ended up perfectly on time to pick up dein, then met silas at country kitchen. then got started after saying shit!!! the bank's not open yet- no!!!! yeah, so note: get cash the day prior to the trip, not day of. got started with, the question to the guys "so how do i get to duluth?". hehehe.....yeah. so after hours of music, torment, and sillyness, we arrive in duluth . also hours of me going are you sure i got this way? yeah. i suck at map reading, so that went to the guys. but i realized that i was partially right when i asked when we were getting into duluth. i didnt recognize anything. when we ended up at the bottom of the huge ass hills with me freaking out, thus the realization since we were not at the miller hill mall on the top of one of the hills. so it took us an extra hour of turning around and asking directions at gas stations to get to the mall.

but we got there! yayyyyy! and shopping- yayyyyy! and yeah. adventures with dein and silas. we realized after THEY had cooled down with fountain water that there was something in it. and no, no. it was not a ziploc bag. though it was clear. more "rubber" looking though.

hot topic is good. my sneakers from the neighboring store rock. we hit pier 1 and toys r us. i am happy. and a teensy bit tired...zonk!

love, hugs, flowers

-zhannichka

hmmm.... its a bit weird, the lack of comments. i mean compare it to when i first started it and the weeks following. course the main person who wrote in it was the guy who i was dating at the time, one of my good friends. meh. and my sis o course. i dunno. just thought it was a bit odders.

i like my hair curly. it makes me feel decent about myself. well that and losing about 15 lbs (and still going! i rock!) helps. but yeah. im getting more into skirts. o man!! i cant wait til next saturday! duluth yall! bring your music choices and we shall rock. and be prepared for hours of shopping and hanging out. it should be really really rockin. im sad though- bonbon's ma doesnt trust us, being that im driving. im a good driver, i dont speed over 5 mph, most people are all 80 in 65. nope. 65 is fast enough.

got my stuff for bhs sign up, having trouble deciding classes. not to mention college! i either want cornell ( wanted for over a year), but i found that a college in fargo has both anthro AND interior design!!!! north dakota state university? collegeboard.com man. so definately applying to both. fargo has good shoppage too, i hear. lol. but i looked on their site and it looks rockin.

anyways. tomorrow is tibbys birthday so she invited me to the 7pm showing of van helsing! rock! ive wanted to see that for a while. and tibby rocks my socks. i hope she can make it on the trip. she and erin were the first ones who took a trip to duluth with me. but thisll be the first time that i can drive without a parent. im not allowed to go by myself though, have to have a few friends with. great rule to have!!!

matts being weird. i dunno how. people are weird. man. its weird when one of your best friends dates your ex. it hurts, but i guess im ok. well as ok as i can be. at least theyre both happy, which is what i want. all my friends should be happy. just the whole still being in love thing is weird and kind of sucks. o well. must deal. hung out with the bonbon, craig, roy, tibby and silas today when i went to get the bhs stuff and whatnot. bonn, roy and craig were sitting outside and bonnys like jess! when i was walking to my car. it was funners. anyways. calc/trig confuses me soooososo much. im betting craigs tutor offer post-breakup is now dead. its weird that he blocked me though. im not pissed off at him. just sad, and you cant blame me. initially, if anyone was to do the blockage, it should have been the dumpee- ie, me. not the person who asked " well still be friends, right?". i dunno. its really freaking weird and confusing. hopefully hell get over it someday, cause hes a nice guy, one of my good friends. eh

so. i want a makeover . something new to do. style? i dont know. lol. well i g2g do homework and the like. i shall write later perhaps. much love, flowers, hugs, and the like

-zhannichka

i feel like my life is going nowhere. i dont know whats going on with anything. its scary that i dont know what im going to do for the rest of my life. it seems so scary. only a few months ago i knew exactly what i wanted to do, what i wanted to happen. now im not sure at all and its just scaring me. and how am i going to get into college anyway? im going to flunk out of high school because i went to treknorth this year and wrecked my life. and im going to flunk the act and the sat in june. i dont know anything that i need to know for them. im so so scared and i have no one to turn to and that in itself is scary and frekaing me out. no one knows im freaking out inside though. i feel like im burning out. and i dont want to.

if i dont get into a college, which i dont even know whats going to happen cause im not gonna either be accepted in my dream college, or i wont be able to pay for it. and do i really want to be an anthropologist? i want to be happy in my job and my life, and i also really really want a huge victorian house that i designed kind of , on the ocean near a city. or do i want to teach english? or what the hell do i want? i dont know! everything i was sure of has been shattered! if i dont get into college, my life is over. thats it, theres nothing else. i have nothing to offer. ive given everything away. and what i got was stolen away.

im soso scared. i need things, and i cant get them. im screwed up. i screwed up. nothing matters and then at the same time everything matters. why did i go to treknorth. the only good things were taken away there too. i want so badly to have a band. to play guitar (which needs to be fixed, they found out why its buzzed on 2 strings the entirety of my time with oz), and i really want to sing in our band. is it our band? im understanding that nikki never was attatched to the idea, im the one who has always tried to get together. and now with craig, i know he actually was interested, but i dont know if he cares, just because im me. i dont know why he doesnt talk to me anymore. he was one of my dearest friends before we started dating, and i still consider him one of my best. he knows more about me than i do. and if anyone is going to not talk, shouldnt it be me cause i was the one who was dumped out of the blue? but if i still want his friendship , and he first said he wanted to still be friends, then i dont see what the problem is. its not like im gonna chase after him, hes made it clear that he doesnt want me. and im not stupid. so what the hell? wish hed be man enough to tell me, and get over whatever he needs to. if i still want to be friends though i was hurt, then why should he have a problem. if he does, is the thing. at the same time that i havent seen him on msn since he dumped me, i also know that hes been really freaking busy. im torn.

i feel like im being ripped into tiny shreds. and yet i feel that nothing matters anymore. and im really really scared, and i just need something. maybe someone to hold me when i cry once. not everytime i cry, i mean thatd be quite a job to hang out with me every night. a few days i thought i had missed crying finally! and then i felt where tears dried on my cheeks and my pillow those nights.

i want to turn my life around. but i need help. and i have no one.