so....in pbl time. last nite i guy i used to know killed himself. a bhs dude, derek . he was friends with the guys who were horrible to me- channing boe, etc. but its just so weird. like back in 9th grade when brittney? or someone killed herself. i had no idea who she was but i remember i was in french class and jessie johnson was crying and it was horrible. a part of me never wants to do that just so i wont hurt people but a part of me still feels like, well, especially as of late, that no one would care. im sorry, i just cant help feeling that i mean nothing to anyone that i care about. they all ignore me or brush me off. or most likely block me off of their msn. corey made some stupid comment today. he didn't even know who derek was. he's all mister hoidy-toidy with his "o i can tell you why he did. all those people are the same. " i totally freaked out on him. how the hell would he know! and how could he be that stupid and mean and just.....arrogant! i nearly killed him. i totally freaked out on him. the half of the advisor that actually heard him with his head up his ass were fuming! macarah said that she nearly punched him, grace was all ugh. after lunch he apologized to me. he was a bit arrogant about that too, but, ya know, when isn't he?

anyways....so if any of my guy friends read this.....so my prom is april 24th, and though i may be a freak, im still kinda cute, at least dolled up like a fairy-tale princess. so.....any of my guy friends gonna come rescue me for a night? not that any of you read this, but on the very teeny tiny off-chance. i hate being corner-girl. and that happens even when i go with a big group of friends. ugh. no one's gonna ask me so i figured i might as well post that....its not gonna work, no one reads. not sure if thats a bad thing or a good thing. lol. im simultaniously trying to convince myself that prom isn't a big deal, that its pointless and stupid. im failing miserably. since i was a little girl ive dreamed of going. i know im still a junior but we're leaving that out cause im being forced to go next year. anyway, ya know. this year i was actually going to go. that most likely fell through, i have no hope for that. but ya know. i really want the perfect dress, the perfect knight-inshining-armor date who brings me a bouquet of roses, dandilions, and daisies. that for one night i could be thought of as beautiful. a princess. i dont know. i wish, ya know? it means a lot to me. the likelihood of that happenning is slim to none, but im hoping to have a hope. a chance. anyways -zhannichka

whenever i do leave.....will anyone even notice? much less care? probably nothing. im not worth anything, so what would be the point? i cant even explain things. i just need someone to go to. who i can count on. i just need someone to wrap me up in their arms. but thats never going to happen. if i do snap out of this, i can guarentee one thing. ill never let myself love anyone or anything again. love is hell. but its not. there is no such thing as love.

i was right im back to normal. and i have no life. with the exception of the bso concert which was really awesome. yay for russians! ....yeah. but i was gonna go over to matts afterward and hang with him and joseph (his kid who's really fucking cute and i need to influence him with ani and nirvana soon), but he was in a bad mood so i couldnt. and everyone else has a freakin life. i called everyone almost on my cell phone book, with the exception of college people, my parents, and jessie j who is busy i knew and craig cause hes always busy and probably wouldnt want to hang anyway. i know its a bit weird for me to see him, and hes the one who dumped me so im betting its weird for him too. anyways, no one else has the lack of life problem that i always have. i wonder if that should tell me something. man i just want to move away. i have nothing going for me here, except getting kicked in the head by a guy whom i thought was my friend and having my heart smashed by everyone i care about. in multiple ways. nothing i do means anything. i dont know why i try. ive been wondering that for so many years too. i dont see the point of me not giving up. i dont make a difference to anyone. i dont have anyone who i can truely count on. so whats the point?

so yeah.... in my opinion being that it was valentines day when i wrote all of that shit, its excusable so people should forget about it. lol, fageddabouwtit....or something. if ya've seen mickey blue eyes youd understand.

so. all of a sudden today i realized that well, comparitively speaking of course from between 3rd grade til now, im pretty damn hot! note the comparitively speaking. it baffles me (kind of, a big kind of), how guys cant see that. i know of four guys total who have ever thought ive been attractive in the slightest, and one was frickin matt dobens from kindergarten! and when he tried to kiss me (he got my cheek), i nearly beat the shit out of him! he was on the verge of fucking bawling! only one has ever really really liked me, but he dumped me, and yeah thats about it. at least hes cool (yes nature boy, thats you). erik.....just no. and then apparently one of my guy friends had a crush on me for a few weeks, but just no. just no.

in any case, i dont understand this. as my friend mark once said " all the guys in minnesota have to be total idiots". that was a really nice thing to say. i believe that was after erik dumped me. man , being the dumpee sucks, even if you dont truely like the person anymore, you just try so hard you almost believe that you still like him, but you know you truely dont. shite i hate 9th grade dating. ugh i was so stupid then, i nearly dumped him multitudes of times, but i didnt cause i tried. then he fell in love with my best friend. and became a stalker. not badly though ive been minorly stalked by a pervert who said really gross things to me, but he says he only did it to make me mad. that asshole. im still scared of him, i still flee when i see him.

in any case, im pretty. i just ya know, realized that i know i am, even though i feel like im the most hideous person in the world sometimes. but im not. and im just sick of being taken for granted when i deserve so much more. im gonna find my way back to reality and out of the paranoia hell dimension someday. someday i wont have nightmares every night and wake up with bruises all over me. and i just wanted to let yall know that. im a wonderful person. but i am the way i am because of all of my friends. my brothers, lol, my sisters, my best friends, friends that just help me through everything bad, as well as everything good. yeah i know, im getting cheesy here, but i do that sometimes, and its not always a bad thing. so yeah. mikeymike, matt (even though i get annoyed at you, i still love ya bro), markymark, craig (yes dude, you're still one of my best friends, hell you probably know me better than mike, and perhaps mark!), erin, nikki, laura, kate, megs, bonbon, jessiej, tiffany- your comment on here helped a lot, thanks, silas, abby, amos, roy, all of you guys. i love you all. thanks.

and i ruin it with this. holy shit that was pathetic. lol, could be part of my eulogy. or however the hell you spell the damn word. i have a guitar strap!!! wahooo!!! and ive been practicing. though i need to tune my guitar and cant find my tuner, which makes me sad ;(. man i cant wait til im truely happy again. itll feel great again, and i need that. too many bad things happen. too much fighting, too much crying. too much pain. but those sparks of laughter make it better. yeah. ill be normal tomorrow, i dunno what the hells with me.

love , hugs, flowers, and such!!!

zhannichka

so last nite i went to tim smith's house for roy's bad poets thing. it was pretty cool, when abby and i got there ( i gave her a ride), they were watching a really funny comedy show with this british transvestite. quite good. and yeah. so i only knew a few people. ive met tim before a few times, like when roy had this bowling this with april and people and my sister drove with me in the front seat, and crammed in the back were tim, roy, and erik. this is when i was in 9th grade and dating erik. why the hell did i do that? not comprehending!!! ugh
ok so yeah, roy was trying to shove erik out of the car. iw as yelling at them and the door got opened once and kate freaked. kinda funny.
anyways, so yeah, so i know who he is, and i knew roy, abby, tibby, and cory. i knew who some others were, but ive never talked to them, so i was kinda really intimidated by, well, almost everybody. lol, once again i was the quiet one in the corner. they all seemed fairly nice though. once a bunch had left somewhere, i went to talk to tibby and bart hanus let me read his story which was hilarious, being based off of, i think he said hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, little red riding hood, and little bunny foofoo. lol! so yeah. so i was talking to them and hes pretty cool too. ive like never talked really to anyone else besides the aforementioned trekkies and tibby, so yeah. im thinking that i was like so scared of these people cause they're like i think the majority are craig's friends.....and yeah. im kind of scared by criag now, and i dont understand this. of course he doesn't seem to seriously want to be friends anymore with me, though it was he who said that he wanted to in the first place. im so confused by him. i dont fucking understand any of this shit thats happening whatsoever anyways. in order for me to understand anything, it has to be thoroughly explained to me in person. ive probably said that hundreds of fucking times.

so yeah anyways it was pretty cool. it was like the smart people....and then me. lol, i liked it though, i just wish i knew some people and they actually talked to me . and i also wish i didnt feel stupid and insignificant around everyone else. im working on that.

so erin was supposed to teach me how to snowboard today but she canceled, so i get to be stuck at home on fucking valentines day. i hate it here too. i dont know i just cant stand my parents sometimes. i dont mind the house as much when theyre not here, and i feel really bad about it but thats just how i feel. OH MY GOD GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! ILL DO ANYTHING !!! if anyone wants to do anything ever, just give me a call or an email. call preferably.

so valentines day sucks

i was happy but that dissappeared. well, no i guess i wasnt happy. lol, im like never happy, but i can act very well, so well that no one notices when i was crying 5 minutes earlier. or when i feel like i want to plunge a sword through my heart. theres already one in place of my heart which stopsn on occasion. it only started on friday nite. wonder why. lol. its not like people care though, i only hold on for that god damn promise. im not even sure if mike even cares anymore, or mark. or nikki or erin, or anybody.

i just want to feel loved again. i want someone to just take me in your arms and tell me that itll be okay. that ill get through this. that im worth something. i miss just randomly being hugged tightly and then kissed. i miss that, and i keep waking up and thinking it was a bad dream again , but the thing is that this time its real. and that scares me and hurts me so much i dont think he could even comprehend even if he tried. i dont think anyone could. til time ends eh? well its still slipping by now. it hasnt been forever yet, and i havent stopped wanting you. or loving you. you dont even care though, do you? not like you read this anyway so nothing i say or feel matters.

love, hugs and flowers and such

zhanna