zhannichka

so, christmas eve is here, and im in wisconsin. there is no freaking internet here, so if and when i write again, they shall just have to be posted when i get back. as i said, we opened all of our presants last night, so all thats going on is....church. me, at church- im forced to go every year, though it’s always so strange because there’s this whole weird, i dont believe in like the christian god or beliefs, but im not going to worry about it because i am not getting into that for at least a very very long time. and yeah. so.....yeah. weird feeling. so......tomorrow more relatives come- grand total of 14 people, including us. im listening to manson. babble babble, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party, sex sex sex, and dont forget the violence. i suppose that its not the best thing to be listening to at 6 pm on christmas eve, but ya know.

those poor cows! they filmed sick cows and it was so sad! why dont they find a cure? i think that if there’s a way to get the disease, then there’s a way to stop it.cows are cute!! and yeah. my parents wouldn’t let me bring oz here, so i cant practice til saturday, nor did we bring my damn skates. but here, the lake is not frozen all that much. so...... i have no comments to reply to, being that i have zero internet access for 3 more days....im gonna die. its become like this obsession, like a drug. im freakin addicted!! hi, im zhanna, and im addicted to the internet. lol, so eww, that reminded me of the saturday night live skit - because im good enough, im smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me. the weird sweater guy who i either want to strangle, or run away screaming . though i want to scream and run away for quite a multitude of things, but this is an exception. ooo, metallica song.....is now ending........its weird to write when one has no life. but then again, i never have one, therefore i always write like that. and now afi- yayyy! oooo!!! so, this shopaholic stopped at the duluth mall today and got an afi shirt- which kicks ass, and doesnt make me look horrible. again- kick ass!! so.....my grandpa’s house is warm and toasty....yet im still frozen. its weird. im not sick though.

so! how is everybody, or how are you all, or how are you?. singular, becuase my sister is here as well, therefore leaving one other person who read this, and that being a certain crack addict- heeheehee. there’s a thingie on the news that was talking about text messaging- twas a bit odders. so, im going to make a playlist of songs that i want to learn on the guitar to give to my teacher, so i might actually learn something there. when i get home- olga.net and mx tabs. here’s one by the donnas, which would kick ass to learn. “and i think that i want you on the floor, come on and take it off” . the craig messed up the lyrics before-heehee. but the solo in this song, i think it kicks a whole lot of arse . the solo before “just do it- you dont have to ask”. dot dot dot. methinks i am going to input a few of my sister’s cd’s if she lets me. i have to get changed for church now- aaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! if ever i have offspring, i shall never force religion on them, because that has screwed up a significant part of my life. anyways, off to change .

ok, im back from that. i didnt screw up! i always manage to, usually, though i never know how. im getting good at lip-synching apparently. i dunno, it feels wrong to actually say that stuff, like im betraying myself, or something. though i was forced to go , yet again, today did not suck. the tree that my grandpa set up is really really pretty, which it usually is, though it’s always different. o dear, grandpa is getting started with talk of the war in iraq. does this “war” have an actual name? im not sure, since it is always refered to as “the war in iraq”. he wants people to take the tanks and run over every car in iraq or something. i dont understand this, hell, i dont understand war, much less agree with it!! in fact i think that war, rape, abuse, pollution, and the destroying of rainforests and endangered animals, much less regular ones, are the sickest things . it just ....its unexplainable, how horrible these things are. like the death penalty. is it right to kill someone for killing someone? you’re just repeating the crime itself, and thus becoming the person that you hate, who hated someone so they killed them. dont people understand this, you become the person you are “punishing”! you’re killing a killer, how is that better than what they did? “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”-mahatma ghandi.

everyone disregards what i say. they dont listen to me, they keep continuing their discussion after a brief pause after i say something that i believe is important. its like i dont exist!

thursday, december 25, 2003

merry christmas! so today started out kind of dull, but turned out fairly well. i saw my aunt judy and uncle roy, as well as eric-my godfather/cousin, and his wife sherre. auntie judy, tio eduardo, dave, and eddie and pam came too- it was pam’s first time here, that i did not know. i was not actually grilled today, and dad only yelled at me a few times, and that was just for listening to my music. in my stocking today i got the two summon the keeper books by tanya huff that i had wanted, as well as chocolate and a picture frame and a mini calendar of ireland for my desk- i still need a big one for my room though. my auntie judy and tio got me a llama trinket thingie from peru, and i got a gift certificate to borders books from eddie and pam, both of which kick arse. i talked to the craig tonight for a bit! that made me happier, because actually it was my parents idea- last nite and today they were all arent you going to call him? you can call if you want. so i finally took advantage of that, so yeah. still no internet access. not that its supposed to change, its not going to because my grandpas computor is like from the 70’s or something- really really old. my sister got an arsenic and old lace dvd, which well probably watch tomorrow, because that movie kicks ass- most carey grant movies do, though i have not seen all of them. i forgot to bug my parents a lot / hint around, that i wanted the movie bringing up baby. i love that movie--carey grant and katharine hepburn- two of the greatest actors in the entire world/of all time. so.....yeah. its 11 pm now, and im actually getting a bit tired.....so i might write in the morning

friday afternoon

we have no water. i think i am in hell- i cant take a shower, and i had to use bottled water to brush my teeth and to put in my contacts. this plumber dude didnt have the right stuff , so he has been gone for two hours, and i am in hell. i need my fucking shower. dammit!!!!!! i am going bloody insane, and this dude is late getting back for a SECOND time!!! i think if i dont get a shower soon, imn gonna strangle somebody. and im a freak- i cant get dressed if i dont take a shower. at like sleepovers and stuff its fine, but not here, not when im in a bad mood. i think i actually am going insane, and i really just want to freak out right now, and people think that im so whiny because i wont get dressed, but its like i cant because ill get my clean clothes all dirty and gross. and i wont be able to wear em til they get washed. i dunno, my brain gets freaky like this on occassion. and im a cranky bitch. i dont understand why anyone would want to be with me at any time- im a freak!my family agrees with me that i am too. so in college, ill probably try and not have a roommate and save them the trouble of going insane. this goes for living with anyone ever, because i always either drive people crazy or i hurt them. or i annoy them with my complete lack of self-esteem, and i dont know if i will ever change. maybe i should just be single for the rest of my life. but for some strange reason that might hurt the boy, and i could never do that, so its like im in a never ending cycle- i hurt him (and me, because i really dont want to) now, or i do this later without meaning to and he’ll leave later. both times ill get hurt too. cause i do love him. i just dont want to hurt him. but i know im going to end up doing that whatever i do. i hurt everyone. im hoping that if he reads this hell actually talk to me face to face because im too chicken to bring it up, because im afraid of what he’ll say. though , on my third hand (no, im not serious, i only have two), i just want to be with him for as long as i can, and maybe i wont hurt him and it’ll all be okay. because i dont want to break up with him ever and i hope that he somehow understands this. that he does know that i love him and that im just writing this because im scared to shit

later, friday evening

im clean!!! and cold. sorry about the freaking out earlier, i was just in a horrible horrible mood. i think that sometimes i think that this is too good to be true- the relationship thingie. though it is not actually a thingie, its actually real. i hope it still is anyway. do you understand that sometimes i just freak out and its nothing? i hope so, because i dont want to hurt you because i love the craig o craigness. and yeah. hope you still feel the same way after uh, the previous writing. im not going to do anything stupid- and thats besides what i normally do, because i am a pretty stupid person, if we’re talking in general, but im not stupid enough to give you up. but im not going to delete it because i write what comes into my head because this is my writing bloggie thingie, so its like my head , only not. and if you ever do want to be with me forever, which you said you do, then this might as well act as a warning to you. though i have warned you that i am screwed up before, but this is just how i am. i dont want to be hurt , because i have this thing where i hate being hurt in any way- i am a wimp. and yeah. a warning. and though i hope you will write what you think or feel, either here or in email, or just talk to me in person; i still hope that i will find it to be good news to the both of us. because i do love you. so there! *girl sticks tongue out at boy* (possibly an offer)( depending how boy still feels)

my auntie judy’s cell phone makes pretty odd noises- it whirls and such. hey! im on page 4. though this is my entire vacation writing. im in the middle of reading mattimeo, which totally kicks arse. hehe****hehe, i can say that i love chickenhound and only one person will know what im talking about**** though since i have said that yall can probably guess. c’est la vie. zhall! oh my gods, people eat a lot here. its insane, that and they are all obsessed with pie. i dont really like pie. sometimes i wonder if i was switched at birth. my sister says i am but then im like,then you must be too- i think we’re the only two chicks with this nose in the world. that and flat feet. ya neez ny-you. letsee, random song time- hmmm what shows up--the fear by trust company. i like trust company, though ive only heard two songs of theirs- who knows, they actually might suck. SUCK ASS!! o yeah, they could be that bad. i get kind of weird in cars, sorry about that craig- i was kind of an annoying twerp. meh- next song-- scarlett from the bed of roses soundtrack. ive never actually seen the actual movie, i just like this song. shut up, its a really really (emphasis on the really guilty) guilty pleasure. ewwww....i just got this really horrible horrible flash of a day-mare. dream, bad dream. people can never ever die. watch out for cars everyone. new song, from .....the buffy musical. i know! i know! im freaking weird. honestly, who would name their child “buffy”? much less their pet/owner. the slash owner means you are sick if you name your cat buffy. because cats are not pets, really. quite the opposite actually. according to 101 dalmations (cartoon version, the only one i have seen all the way though), dogs are like that as well. kittie! sorry, i like music. o they lit a fire. okay, so apparently PEOPLE (a-hem!) have gotten me to have this little new annoying habit of tapping along to the FUCKING DRUM parts of songs. i realized this when my sister smacked me for FUCKING TAPPING when i was listening to music. grrrrrr!!!!!!!! ooo! take it off- the donnas! ya know usually, people inherit habits from me. for a really long time erin started saying bloody/bloody hell.now everyone is saying spiffy and spiffers. oy freakin vey. now someone actually transferred to me! silly magical people.aaaaa! goddamn computor logged me out and i nearly lost my entire entry. fucking a. now im listening to a song which *some people might call an evil song that was plucked from a swirling vortex of some random hell dimension- st. anger, by metallica. which the drummer uses a different ? snare drum for it? did i get it right? i think i might have remembered something correctly for once. possibly. i dunno, you have to tell me. being here is really driving me insane. haha, the smoke alarm just went off because of the fire- grandpa said that he doesnt know why, he doesnt see/smell any smoke. ive been smelling it stongly in the other side of the room away from the fireplace, since they lit it in the fireplace. and i said where on the offchance that some weirdo is reading this and thinks that my family (true , though they are), are such a bunch of pyros that they lit a fire in the middle of the living room floor, or some weird shit like that. once again, im pretty odders. i dont understand many things either. ooooo new song. always- saliva. i like that song, although not as much when i was exceedingly bitter- not that im not bitter, but considerably less so than i was prior to early november. shush you, you arrogent brat. and you’re right, you dont have to be so arrogent. *girl sticks tongue out at boy again* im on page 5, like halfway down. and yes, i said like- i say the word frequently. likelikelike. ha! so there. my sister says that i have ADD. but i dont have that, im just a reallyreally weird egelhof. wow, my family on this side is also weird. direct quote” where are you going to?” “miami” “miami!! you mean miami, not your-ami. ok, our-ami” my 26 year old cousin responding to my.....uhhhh...13? year old cousin carl saying that he’s going to miami. dave being the childish one. oy vey. AAAAA!!!! FREAKING YOUNG PEOPLE!!! I LIKE BEING SHORT!!!! SO THERE!!!! AAAAAA!. apparently according to my grandpa, being sunburned is against the law. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!. my uncle bob seems so happy to be on the phone. lol, that was short lived. o geez, they’re making more food. i thought i ate a lot normally. .....freaking getting teased about one fucking inch height difference....

i miss the internet. well, we’re leaving tomorrow and hitting the mall in duluth again- i want to get slippers-either cookie monster or oscar the grouch. or something else. i love hot topic, it makes me happy- as does barnes and nobles and starbucks inside of it- peppermint mocha frappachino. ooooo nummy-ness. im going to go finish the buffy movie (with luke perry) now.

so, on with my day.....the jist. it was boring, it sucked, there were a few good parts, but it got so boring and i got so up and down hyper and sad because i was tired. though the tiredness was probably on account of getting up at 6 ish am, going to the ortho, forgetting my retainers, driving home to meet kate , WHO HAD NOT LEFT, going off the road in our driveway because i was speeding, and then on the way from our house to the blacktop, i nearly went off the road a few times, and going into the ditch would have rolled my car, and most likely killed me, if not severly injure me. so, fun in the sun. yes indeedy.... . then i could not get back to sleep. its horrible when that happens, ya know? so i just kinda sat there in my room all day wanted to jump out of a tall building, other times wanted to fly high in the sky. grow real wings. just a happy feeling. i dunno. i felt so alone today, like i was stuch that way for the rest of my life and that nothing is ever going to change, and i was in hell. but i also remembered that im not alone anymore. im pretty sure anywayzers. sometimes it seems so wonderful that i convice myself that its going to end, just because im like that and i dunno. because my mind is warped. im screwed up. but yeah. there are just so many things that come into my teensy little brain.....anyways, response to the comments, alias craig o craigness. heeheehee.

damn right the craig is a smarty-pants. or you are magical as well, for i do not see how it is possible that i am magical, or even a slightly magical creature. and yay, you pay attention to the fact that i love irish stuff! you rock, so so much. heeheehee! yay for punctuation as well!!!!.....yeah. aww, you really like em? yayy! heehee, 3am. i went to sleep at 2? perhaps? yes, with the care bear, he is lovely warm as well. when the hell did you get it? considering that i actually told you not to get me anything like over a week ago. so not fair......though im happy that you didnt listen......heehee *giggles happily*.....yeah so....... yeah. so in the toy section, all that they had was new stuff of tmnt, though i did not know that there was in fact a new turtles thing. but , ya know, apparently there is. quite odd however. i did good then? yay! i feel better. im the best presant? how do you figure? im nothing special! you’re the magical one, according to the aforementioned statement, you are the smart/genius one, therefore magical. see, there’s some logic...or at least there’s something that my mind perceives as something that slightly resembles logic. so yeah, thats at least a little....itsy-bitsy.....bit. im not going to propose to silas, and that was only a joke man.....but doctor dre? oy vey. lol. im just kidding. anywayzers, i dont intend to propose to anyone anytime soon, if ever. i watch too many chick flicks. but i dont love silas, i dont even like him. i love you and thats it. so there! *sticks tongue out*. and yes, by the way, i can damn your college applications to hell. remember, im an angel!! heehee, innocent too. and i like the care bear it rocks!! heehee green hair, now it reminds me of you when i see it. heehee.

so in a closing thingie, im still a bit happy. o! we opened presants a day early because we’re driving down tomorrow as ive stated. ummmm.....i actually got something kick ass. .....a videocamera!!!!!!!!!! course i dont know how to work it yet, but its all good in the end. ill learn....or get someone to work it for me, lol. i got empire records, which i just finished watching, a hairdryer...yay. 1st season of buffy. anyone want to watch stuff sometime?? and.....thats it. cassettes for the cam. thats it. meh. it was pretty good, but my rents were grumpy because they work, so it was dangerous, and it went downhill, but im getting better. not that many really care, but yeah. and i got the most wonderfullous care bear in the universe and its irish and has green hair!!!! mister craig o craigness. heehee, awwwww wonderfully nice silly boy. i love you! heehee, i wrote that in a ....technically public, but no1 else besides the pirate lover is ever here, so its all good.

love, flowers, hugs and such!

-zhanna

yayyyyyy!!! tonight was wonderful wonderness!!! spent it with kick ass people and got stuck in the snow 3 times. anyways though....met sophie at the cabin at 4:30 ish, after we picked up abby. kate and the two headed off to sophie’s after her parents jumped her car (her dad had left the lights on). i stayed and waited for craig til around 6 ish, gave him his presant (ya still have a thingie coming, because im almost done) . got to his car where waiting there was a care bear!!!!!!!! eeep! it was lucky bear too! and craig, how the hell did you know lucky bear was my favorite! well, lucky and grumpy both are. but that so kicked ass and just yay! you rock so much that its weird, but wonnerfullers.

oh, so we got to a driveway and got stuck trying to back out......twice. i drove rockstar, heehee. your car’s name kicks ass. ummmm....we got to sophie’s, and watched a really freaky-weird movie called “ a clockwork orange”. that was very strange, then we played bs- i won! o yeah. i think that tonight was my prize. its entirety just kicked ass. yeah, and the craig o craigness was there- i didnt say mister! once again i did not. sorry, but i enjoy being around you, hope thats ok with you. after all that, we were going to go to perkins, but silas’ truck got stuck, so we helped with that- sophie’s dad finally had to pull him out with their truck. then silas walked down the hill in sophies driveway and we stopped for him, and because we did, we got stuck. it was quite entertaining though. its all good though. if ya think about it , it was quite funny. heehee. then we went to perkins (sophie stayed home because her car got stuck), and i had toast and mac & cheese!!! no milkshake though, which was odders. but yeah. ok, so it might seem boring, but it wasnt at all.

so that was my adventure. i suck at presant shopping, so i apologize if the gift sucked......i love my bear though. i realize that i get a bit much overexcited about things that make me happy ( probably why im so weird around you), but im paranoid when you dont show enthusiasm either....or at least not a lot. o , the bows on my head did signify a presant = me, so im yours!. heehee *blush*. if you want. which i trust you do because i trust you. and dont freak over the tests. you are a smarty-pants, and it is all good. i wont be in new york for too long just for like......9? days? or something. 15-the 23rd maybe? im not sure. merfffle. 4 days is long. i shall see you monday, you should write me an email or call me when you get back. so.......im really tired, and i have ortho tomorrow at 8 am. dammit. then we leave late afternoon- evening. ffeh! i say!

well

love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka. I LOVE MY CARE BEAR THANK YOU!!!! love!!!!

hello and welcome to my strange and boring life during my junior year at treknorth high school. hehe, andrew just slammed into the counter. hehe. and im not laughing in a mean way, just in a heehee dork way, cause andrew is nice, yet sometimes an asshole, like most people. they’re preforming rocky horror picture show today at 1:15. (shudder, shudder). i think it would be better if they actually did the entire movie, instead of just parts- it seems so incomplete without them. though they probably should not do exactly the entire movie, like the sex parts- that would be bad. eeewwww. (more shuddering). anyways, its about to be american lit, 2nd seminar, then music. oooooo, my last entry had comments. yay!

so, im still a bit fuzzy on the math thing.....hmmm....after school help would be useful indeedy. i would like that very much so *nods head*, at least the spending time with you bit. ;). yay for double majors! i think i want to do a double major in archaeology and interior design, or just do the latter on the side and do russian, or have that as a minor/ or english, and instead, do a double major in archaeology and anthropology. because anthro, i could study their cultures and belief system- the egyptian gods and goddesses kick ass. but i dont know. i know archaeology. but laura said her college has a good russian program, along with women studies. but so does cornell university in ithaca, new york, so i dunno. ill get lots o shit for at least four days straight from my auntie judy and such when i go to wisconsin for 4 days this vacation. ill be there xmas eve i think, but i shall be back well before new years- its like 4 days tops, fyi. what are you talking about limiting hours? im confused.....merff. yes, the secret of nimh does kick ass, but its a lil scary.....i thought so either last year or the year before when i saw it, lol. so what if im 6! lol. hey! lol, heehee, actually, in a way, when i turn 17, ill be older than you- heheheheheee. k, so im weird and such, you knew that when you started dating me. so there! ;P. i might have watched the second movie, but that was years ago. i might have only seen part of it though, which makes me sad. YAY for reading for funners!! heehee, books are good.....lol. Cookies are good, on account of their cookie-ness. heehee. so there’s an excuse- because they are good for you. (evil grin). heehee

so music......nothing is going on. Now its the time warp.......gah! ceara cannot do accents. hehe, dein’s next- heeeheehee frankenfurter. it makes me laugh. especially when he sings “sweet transvestite”. Ok, so thats all over now. so, new york trip- we are changing our dates from the 15th of january through the 23rd? i believe. i think erica said its so we can stay for the chinese new year, which would rock. so yeah. dein as frankie and dennis as rocky is damn funny. creepy, but the parts fit them so well, which just might be why its creepy. but as i said, damn funny. so i have to finish some huck finn stuffers. i shall write again eventually

love, hugs, flowers, and such

zhannichka

so....ok, so tonight is the choir concert, instead of monday. yay! i get to see even more people! so yeah. i have to do all of my philo today, and then my life shall be less ....something, which will involve less screaming. which is usually a good thing. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! yeah.
I know grammar is two a’s .....i just get confused sometimes because one of my teachers said it was “grammer “ when i was little so now the word confuses me. so yeah. or perhaps its because i spell words wrong sometimes too. im not a perfect speller. yeah..... there are a lot of dots today. punctuation!! yay!

and no, cutting down forests is bad! evilbadbad shame! dishonor on your cow! psh, 1:40 . not fair. cept i dont want to get to go home at that time, because my house is boring, which you already know. so...hmmm. i dont really know what to write, considering it is 8:53 am, and im in pre-calc/trig. sleep is overrated when it is forced upon you, but sleep can be fun. but the craig needs to be not sick. because that is not happiness , and yeah. no being dead either. cause id be sad ;..( . and that includes you not choking.

anyways, aaaa!!!! frickin idiotic third roots! or square roots! aaaaaa!!!!! dont understand!!!!. at least i got halfway through the assignment. then all knowledge that i ever had died a horrible horrible , slow, painful, torturous death. i think munson is trying to draw a tree or something. but yeah, adding third roots and square roots with stuff in front of em? do you multiply something? aaa! o! its supposed to be a brain. macarah thinks the tree/brain looks like a younger michael jackson. heehee. if corey tells me to shush one more time im gonna kick his ass. i said one sentance, and its not like anyone ever listens to me anyway. i said its like nimh. refering to the ras. im confused, this class confuses me in general. but whatever. gonzo is a whatever. im kinda tired, lol, can you tell?

ethical guidelines towards animals in animal testing. animal testing is sick and wrong. if you want something to be tested so as to make sure it wont hurt humans, TEST YOURSELF! OR A WILLING PERSON, and by willing i mean a person who knows full well what youa re asking them to do, and knows all the risks, and gives you their permission while they know what they are being asked. otherise that is just sick and twisted and evil to harm a little bunny or rat who cannot understand you, unless you are magical. or they are magical. you know what i mean!!! hey im almost on my second page already and its only 10 :33 am . hazing boards! yeah. you would have to be here and know me very well to understand stuff.

the founder of the united states navy was a pirate. in a way. to the british during the american revolution. plum is running our us history class today, its a bit odd. john paul jones. later he served in russia to the empress katharine . or tsarina, o yeah. russia kicks ass. im sure this is really interesting to everyone, but im writing as thoughts fly into my brain, its what i almost always have done.

its 2:41 now. project time. yayyy! im on book 3 of redwall! i love reading man, it kicks major ass. ‘specially brian jaques books. or most books in general. heehee, books, *drool*. anywayzers, i might write later when i actually have something to say.

love, hugs, flowers, and such

zhanna

so.... its 3:09, and i am terribly terribly bored. so, i am not allowed to go on the msn until after school.grrrrrr......pissed off. not even during project time and that is really frusturating. ugh.....today is all snowy. but its not as bad as last week! that week was icky, but this week seems as if it will be pretty good. sunday was funners, and kate and laura are coming up friday, and two movies that i want to see are coming out this week, including- LORD OF THE RINGS: ROTK!!!!!!! yeah. i get really excited about this......im kind of strange. wow, school confuses me. and the people here. with their shatting o their wetsuits. yeah..... i think im gonna go to the choir concert tonight at 8. considering i just heard about it. and i have no life. AAAAA IM SO BORED!!!!!! AND ITS ONLY 3:42!!!!!!! AAAAAA. i wish i had a life. well i shall get off. and i wont be home for a bit. if nikki reads this dont call home just call my cell. much love sis! and sis! and craig o craigness. (see, i didnt say mister).

love, hugs, flowers, and such.

-zhannichka

oy. this beginning of a week sucked, but tonight it was slightly better. matt was gonna move to california but apparently dan called his parents and hes coming back to school on thursday. YAYYYY. for that im happy. but god dammit i was really freaked out cause he was supposed to drive out today to minneapolis and catch a flight to california tomorrow morning. i learned this on sunday night, i believe. yesterday was major freakage. crying for 5 hours straight is not fun whatsoever. and like after school i went and saw erin that day (monday) and just started crying in the store. dya know how freaking embarrassing that is?? ugh! i couldnt help it though, hes one of my best friends ever, and it seems like everyone is leaving me. mark and cedes are in nh, so technically i left them, but mike left, matt was gonna leave, craig, you’re going to college next year, and a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me. i tried to do stuff with bhs people, but just like when i left nh, only a few have cared to email me or call. the others just seem to want to dissappear from my life forever, and i get so scared. its just really scary for me, because my friends are my life. i dont want to lose em. Anyways, yeah.

So, now it’s Wednesday. Last night before I started this, I got into a huge fight with mom. Yay. note enthusiam. i dont even remember it much now. i remember being really lonely and sad afterwards. i keep thinking that everyone is gonna leave me, as i wrote above. merff!! but then i had a bout of paranoia, and was thinking, wow, im a scary scary person and stuff.but then i was calmed. intentionally or not. argh. its weird. and craig, i just realized that u and my sis are the only people who read this. heeheehee. so i can say basically anything i want. except i cant. but i can. but i still have nothing ever to say! lol. anywayzers, i finished tam lin again. that is my favorite book ever. i want my own copy, but its out of print, and it makes me really really sad and such. But my sadness is almost all gone, but i still feel weird... empty, but not. i dont feel as alone as i did, but a bit empty.....anywayzers..... now im in my last class and its 11:30 am. exactly. so....rivers laugh and you beat them. according to forrest and seth anyways.

So today.....im thinking that this will be a really long ass writing thing. I dont really understand anything today.....hehe. i dont know. i was talking to mattvei today about life, and its weird that i have ideas of what i want, but only that. no real specifics that i thought i had. what i consider important throughout life, which also confuses me. i have a harry potter band aid on my computor. i think emmy put it on there. anyways yeah. i feel like im nobody, yet something that matters. apparently i do to a few people. i dunno. this week has me all ugh. and i blame it on matt. hah. yes you matt, though you dont read this. cause this past weekend was one of the funnest ever. as i said a couple days ago formal. IM SORRY !!!! i feel bad about the hat.....im sorry. and butterfly is not nessicarily about sex, its about love that he is trying to get back. analyzing things is bad. though im just not good at it, but then again im not good at math and psych and philosophy....maybe there is some tie there. or im just stupid, lol. if you can say it i can. even though you arent. so there. ummmmm......yeah. dammit i found out we are going to wisconsin during christmas break for 3 or four days.....not january 1st though, and that day im gonna do something. i dont know what, but i shall. i dont like going to grandpa’s that much anymore, cause it reminds me that grandma’s not there. its weird, i didnt cry at her funeral. or granny’s , or aunt kathy’s.....i dont remember crying at a funeral. i guess deaths dont phase me that much. so many people die, and im sick of it and im so scared that people are going to just die on me. it goes back to the leaving thing. i dunno. Mister Spock!!!! yeah, philosophy, logic......i could never be a vulcan, lol.

so...i dont know what potato ole’s are.....plum is attempting to explain projects in advisor by using the concept of a 16 year old boy with head-to-toe acne and and obsession with potato ole’s......im confused. i hate food. i need to not eat. it hurts when i do, hurts when i dont. shit . i forgot my guitar, and im out of cash....shit. wow, im on my second page already.....

o! so yeah.....this is kinda weird......people read this and know me, and its just me. other people should get these journals too. if they want. kat, do you still have one? im confused. so apparently we need to be ringwratihs.......plum’s logic is a bit weird. i think we have a new york meeting today, but im not sure. possibly....something. lol. i dont know what we are talking about whatsoever. i need help. mental . perhaps. do. you. like. all. the . punctuation. ? its a wonderful thing. ok, so not really. so......i cant think of any project for our new york trip! its so annoying! i cant think of anything whatsoever for any project. i feel like i have no real interest in anything, maybe thats why im so indecisive. so.......cory is kind of annoying, he doesnt listen to anything else, but what hes talking about. but hes still nice. wow , so niall has a guitar now. oh my god! he doesnt listen to anything i say, he just completely talks over me! cory, not niall, ive never really talked to him all that much. anywazers.....so yeah......cory is cool though.

so......im talking about two other guys on this......ya jealous?? huh??? huhuhuuhuhuhhhh???? yeah, nope, i know. hehe. formal you were jealous.....cause i said id marry silas. that made me happy, lol. but know what else makes me happy? mandarin oranges out of a can. i dont know why. so yeah....ok, so there is nothing to be jealous for, i was just kidding. considering one ive never really talked to and the other is not into girls. and its me. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! see? i shouldnt be dateable. im screwed up with zero self-esteem. and i rant about meaningless little things and say im stupid and ugly and horrible, and you shouldnt like me. there is no logic, and you have logic, and then i keep going on and saying you shouldnt like me because of this, and that is my point which has no point and im insane and i dont want to hurt you!

..........anyways.......this site has become a mini email thing almost. so..... how weird am i ? why the hell do you like me, what do you see in me? maybe i need to do something to make me happy and content today.....i think ill take a bubble bath. they spread joy and self-esteem. im not always this horrible you know. just this week makes me feel all ...horrible. so i am sorry. ill try and be all happified. or happy-ified? i dont know.......................ummmmmmmmm............im on my third page! do you know whats goodness? rainbows. and stars. and comfy-ness. and happiness. and warmth. and music. but not songs stuck in you head *a-hem* iron man *a-hem* lol. heehee. hey, i feel a bit cheery! yayers. i think ill stop writing though, seeing as though im on my 3rd page. heehee lol.

love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka

anyways, so back to formal. my feet still hurt a bit, but im still all happy and such. and i got pirates of the carribbean! i love that movie, and not only because it has johnny depp and orlando bloom in it, 2 of the top ten hottest guys in the world. but not the number one spot. that one has been filled by a certain guy with multi-coloured hair and bad joints. heehee (giggles). and im not going to marry silas. unless someone starts liking more pop/rap. bad stuff. butterfly is an exception. they played i like big butts- again. i think its one of those songs that one never hears the end of. lol, even though that is not a good song, and ya want to scream and kill someone when ya hear it, im thinking that its on my list of my theme songs. cause i have a big ass. lol. but i am starting to realize that im not exceedingly fat. everyone feels like it at some points i guess (except for those ones who are crazy-skinny and need to eat more). but i am losing weight, thats a good thing. im only a bit chubby. hehe, me and my big ass. lol

anywayzers........im beginning to like sleeping, heehee. especially when im warm. and when i feel safe. happiness, heehee. i like these blog thingies, its like a journal without killing trees. i like writing, though i rarely have much to say. music is goodness. movies are goodness. couches are goodness. hugs are goodness. ......heehee. happiness is goodness. im in a cheery mood, i apologize. and ill shush up for now.

love, hugs, flowers, and such

-zhannichka