i feel like my life is going nowhere. i dont know whats going on with anything. its scary that i dont know what im going to do for the rest of my life. it seems so scary. only a few months ago i knew exactly what i wanted to do, what i wanted to happen. now im not sure at all and its just scaring me. and how am i going to get into college anyway? im going to flunk out of high school because i went to treknorth this year and wrecked my life. and im going to flunk the act and the sat in june. i dont know anything that i need to know for them. im so so scared and i have no one to turn to and that in itself is scary and frekaing me out. no one knows im freaking out inside though. i feel like im burning out. and i dont want to.

if i dont get into a college, which i dont even know whats going to happen cause im not gonna either be accepted in my dream college, or i wont be able to pay for it. and do i really want to be an anthropologist? i want to be happy in my job and my life, and i also really really want a huge victorian house that i designed kind of , on the ocean near a city. or do i want to teach english? or what the hell do i want? i dont know! everything i was sure of has been shattered! if i dont get into college, my life is over. thats it, theres nothing else. i have nothing to offer. ive given everything away. and what i got was stolen away.

im soso scared. i need things, and i cant get them. im screwed up. i screwed up. nothing matters and then at the same time everything matters. why did i go to treknorth. the only good things were taken away there too. i want so badly to have a band. to play guitar (which needs to be fixed, they found out why its buzzed on 2 strings the entirety of my time with oz), and i really want to sing in our band. is it our band? im understanding that nikki never was attatched to the idea, im the one who has always tried to get together. and now with craig, i know he actually was interested, but i dont know if he cares, just because im me. i dont know why he doesnt talk to me anymore. he was one of my dearest friends before we started dating, and i still consider him one of my best. he knows more about me than i do. and if anyone is going to not talk, shouldnt it be me cause i was the one who was dumped out of the blue? but if i still want his friendship , and he first said he wanted to still be friends, then i dont see what the problem is. its not like im gonna chase after him, hes made it clear that he doesnt want me. and im not stupid. so what the hell? wish hed be man enough to tell me, and get over whatever he needs to. if i still want to be friends though i was hurt, then why should he have a problem. if he does, is the thing. at the same time that i havent seen him on msn since he dumped me, i also know that hes been really freaking busy. im torn.

i feel like im being ripped into tiny shreds. and yet i feel that nothing matters anymore. and im really really scared, and i just need something. maybe someone to hold me when i cry once. not everytime i cry, i mean thatd be quite a job to hang out with me every night. a few days i thought i had missed crying finally! and then i felt where tears dried on my cheeks and my pillow those nights.

i want to turn my life around. but i need help. and i have no one.

yeah, yall can yell freak now.anyways. i can count on my guy friends. silas is probably taking me to the bhs prom. yay! i love all my guys. yall rock.

so yeah. recap on events- nearly got kicked out of my house. grades are straight a's with only one b+. saw knockaround guys, and of course my fave character got killed off. wonder who? *cough* seth green*cough* , rented return to me, cried a lot, talked to laura who is in town, and currently am trying to convince matvei to visit here for i-day. ummmm yeah. i have to go get ready for sleep. or the attempt to sleep, lol nitenite

love, hugs, flowers, and such

zhannichka

anyways. i feel really quite creative right now, like dance classes, or just doing something! ah! well, i g2get ready for sleepytime. hoping it comes. much love and flowers.

zhanna

so....in pbl time. last nite i guy i used to know killed himself. a bhs dude, derek . he was friends with the guys who were horrible to me- channing boe, etc. but its just so weird. like back in 9th grade when brittney? or someone killed herself. i had no idea who she was but i remember i was in french class and jessie johnson was crying and it was horrible. a part of me never wants to do that just so i wont hurt people but a part of me still feels like, well, especially as of late, that no one would care. im sorry, i just cant help feeling that i mean nothing to anyone that i care about. they all ignore me or brush me off. or most likely block me off of their msn. corey made some stupid comment today. he didn't even know who derek was. he's all mister hoidy-toidy with his "o i can tell you why he did. all those people are the same. " i totally freaked out on him. how the hell would he know! and how could he be that stupid and mean and just.....arrogant! i nearly killed him. i totally freaked out on him. the half of the advisor that actually heard him with his head up his ass were fuming! macarah said that she nearly punched him, grace was all ugh. after lunch he apologized to me. he was a bit arrogant about that too, but, ya know, when isn't he?

anyways....so if any of my guy friends read this.....so my prom is april 24th, and though i may be a freak, im still kinda cute, at least dolled up like a fairy-tale princess. so.....any of my guy friends gonna come rescue me for a night? not that any of you read this, but on the very teeny tiny off-chance. i hate being corner-girl. and that happens even when i go with a big group of friends. ugh. no one's gonna ask me so i figured i might as well post that....its not gonna work, no one reads. not sure if thats a bad thing or a good thing. lol. im simultaniously trying to convince myself that prom isn't a big deal, that its pointless and stupid. im failing miserably. since i was a little girl ive dreamed of going. i know im still a junior but we're leaving that out cause im being forced to go next year. anyway, ya know. this year i was actually going to go. that most likely fell through, i have no hope for that. but ya know. i really want the perfect dress, the perfect knight-inshining-armor date who brings me a bouquet of roses, dandilions, and daisies. that for one night i could be thought of as beautiful. a princess. i dont know. i wish, ya know? it means a lot to me. the likelihood of that happenning is slim to none, but im hoping to have a hope. a chance. anyways -zhannichka

whenever i do leave.....will anyone even notice? much less care? probably nothing. im not worth anything, so what would be the point? i cant even explain things. i just need someone to go to. who i can count on. i just need someone to wrap me up in their arms. but thats never going to happen. if i do snap out of this, i can guarentee one thing. ill never let myself love anyone or anything again. love is hell. but its not. there is no such thing as love.

i was right im back to normal. and i have no life. with the exception of the bso concert which was really awesome. yay for russians! ....yeah. but i was gonna go over to matts afterward and hang with him and joseph (his kid who's really fucking cute and i need to influence him with ani and nirvana soon), but he was in a bad mood so i couldnt. and everyone else has a freakin life. i called everyone almost on my cell phone book, with the exception of college people, my parents, and jessie j who is busy i knew and craig cause hes always busy and probably wouldnt want to hang anyway. i know its a bit weird for me to see him, and hes the one who dumped me so im betting its weird for him too. anyways, no one else has the lack of life problem that i always have. i wonder if that should tell me something. man i just want to move away. i have nothing going for me here, except getting kicked in the head by a guy whom i thought was my friend and having my heart smashed by everyone i care about. in multiple ways. nothing i do means anything. i dont know why i try. ive been wondering that for so many years too. i dont see the point of me not giving up. i dont make a difference to anyone. i dont have anyone who i can truely count on. so whats the point?

so yeah.... in my opinion being that it was valentines day when i wrote all of that shit, its excusable so people should forget about it. lol, fageddabouwtit....or something. if ya've seen mickey blue eyes youd understand.

so. all of a sudden today i realized that well, comparitively speaking of course from between 3rd grade til now, im pretty damn hot! note the comparitively speaking. it baffles me (kind of, a big kind of), how guys cant see that. i know of four guys total who have ever thought ive been attractive in the slightest, and one was frickin matt dobens from kindergarten! and when he tried to kiss me (he got my cheek), i nearly beat the shit out of him! he was on the verge of fucking bawling! only one has ever really really liked me, but he dumped me, and yeah thats about it. at least hes cool (yes nature boy, thats you). erik.....just no. and then apparently one of my guy friends had a crush on me for a few weeks, but just no. just no.

in any case, i dont understand this. as my friend mark once said " all the guys in minnesota have to be total idiots". that was a really nice thing to say. i believe that was after erik dumped me. man , being the dumpee sucks, even if you dont truely like the person anymore, you just try so hard you almost believe that you still like him, but you know you truely dont. shite i hate 9th grade dating. ugh i was so stupid then, i nearly dumped him multitudes of times, but i didnt cause i tried. then he fell in love with my best friend. and became a stalker. not badly though ive been minorly stalked by a pervert who said really gross things to me, but he says he only did it to make me mad. that asshole. im still scared of him, i still flee when i see him.

in any case, im pretty. i just ya know, realized that i know i am, even though i feel like im the most hideous person in the world sometimes. but im not. and im just sick of being taken for granted when i deserve so much more. im gonna find my way back to reality and out of the paranoia hell dimension someday. someday i wont have nightmares every night and wake up with bruises all over me. and i just wanted to let yall know that. im a wonderful person. but i am the way i am because of all of my friends. my brothers, lol, my sisters, my best friends, friends that just help me through everything bad, as well as everything good. yeah i know, im getting cheesy here, but i do that sometimes, and its not always a bad thing. so yeah. mikeymike, matt (even though i get annoyed at you, i still love ya bro), markymark, craig (yes dude, you're still one of my best friends, hell you probably know me better than mike, and perhaps mark!), erin, nikki, laura, kate, megs, bonbon, jessiej, tiffany- your comment on here helped a lot, thanks, silas, abby, amos, roy, all of you guys. i love you all. thanks.

and i ruin it with this. holy shit that was pathetic. lol, could be part of my eulogy. or however the hell you spell the damn word. i have a guitar strap!!! wahooo!!! and ive been practicing. though i need to tune my guitar and cant find my tuner, which makes me sad ;(. man i cant wait til im truely happy again. itll feel great again, and i need that. too many bad things happen. too much fighting, too much crying. too much pain. but those sparks of laughter make it better. yeah. ill be normal tomorrow, i dunno what the hells with me.

love , hugs, flowers, and such!!!

zhannichka