so yeah.... in my opinion being that it was valentines day when i wrote all of that shit, its excusable so people should forget about it. lol, fageddabouwtit....or something. if ya've seen mickey blue eyes youd understand.

so. all of a sudden today i realized that well, comparitively speaking of course from between 3rd grade til now, im pretty damn hot! note the comparitively speaking. it baffles me (kind of, a big kind of), how guys cant see that. i know of four guys total who have ever thought ive been attractive in the slightest, and one was frickin matt dobens from kindergarten! and when he tried to kiss me (he got my cheek), i nearly beat the shit out of him! he was on the verge of fucking bawling! only one has ever really really liked me, but he dumped me, and yeah thats about it. at least hes cool (yes nature boy, thats you). erik.....just no. and then apparently one of my guy friends had a crush on me for a few weeks, but just no. just no.

in any case, i dont understand this. as my friend mark once said " all the guys in minnesota have to be total idiots". that was a really nice thing to say. i believe that was after erik dumped me. man , being the dumpee sucks, even if you dont truely like the person anymore, you just try so hard you almost believe that you still like him, but you know you truely dont. shite i hate 9th grade dating. ugh i was so stupid then, i nearly dumped him multitudes of times, but i didnt cause i tried. then he fell in love with my best friend. and became a stalker. not badly though ive been minorly stalked by a pervert who said really gross things to me, but he says he only did it to make me mad. that asshole. im still scared of him, i still flee when i see him.

in any case, im pretty. i just ya know, realized that i know i am, even though i feel like im the most hideous person in the world sometimes. but im not. and im just sick of being taken for granted when i deserve so much more. im gonna find my way back to reality and out of the paranoia hell dimension someday. someday i wont have nightmares every night and wake up with bruises all over me. and i just wanted to let yall know that. im a wonderful person. but i am the way i am because of all of my friends. my brothers, lol, my sisters, my best friends, friends that just help me through everything bad, as well as everything good. yeah i know, im getting cheesy here, but i do that sometimes, and its not always a bad thing. so yeah. mikeymike, matt (even though i get annoyed at you, i still love ya bro), markymark, craig (yes dude, you're still one of my best friends, hell you probably know me better than mike, and perhaps mark!), erin, nikki, laura, kate, megs, bonbon, jessiej, tiffany- your comment on here helped a lot, thanks, silas, abby, amos, roy, all of you guys. i love you all. thanks.

and i ruin it with this. holy shit that was pathetic. lol, could be part of my eulogy. or however the hell you spell the damn word. i have a guitar strap!!! wahooo!!! and ive been practicing. though i need to tune my guitar and cant find my tuner, which makes me sad ;(. man i cant wait til im truely happy again. itll feel great again, and i need that. too many bad things happen. too much fighting, too much crying. too much pain. but those sparks of laughter make it better. yeah. ill be normal tomorrow, i dunno what the hells with me.

love , hugs, flowers, and such!!!

zhannichka

so last nite i went to tim smith's house for roy's bad poets thing. it was pretty cool, when abby and i got there ( i gave her a ride), they were watching a really funny comedy show with this british transvestite. quite good. and yeah. so i only knew a few people. ive met tim before a few times, like when roy had this bowling this with april and people and my sister drove with me in the front seat, and crammed in the back were tim, roy, and erik. this is when i was in 9th grade and dating erik. why the hell did i do that? not comprehending!!! ugh
ok so yeah, roy was trying to shove erik out of the car. iw as yelling at them and the door got opened once and kate freaked. kinda funny.
anyways, so yeah, so i know who he is, and i knew roy, abby, tibby, and cory. i knew who some others were, but ive never talked to them, so i was kinda really intimidated by, well, almost everybody. lol, once again i was the quiet one in the corner. they all seemed fairly nice though. once a bunch had left somewhere, i went to talk to tibby and bart hanus let me read his story which was hilarious, being based off of, i think he said hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, little red riding hood, and little bunny foofoo. lol! so yeah. so i was talking to them and hes pretty cool too. ive like never talked really to anyone else besides the aforementioned trekkies and tibby, so yeah. im thinking that i was like so scared of these people cause they're like i think the majority are craig's friends.....and yeah. im kind of scared by criag now, and i dont understand this. of course he doesn't seem to seriously want to be friends anymore with me, though it was he who said that he wanted to in the first place. im so confused by him. i dont fucking understand any of this shit thats happening whatsoever anyways. in order for me to understand anything, it has to be thoroughly explained to me in person. ive probably said that hundreds of fucking times.

so yeah anyways it was pretty cool. it was like the smart people....and then me. lol, i liked it though, i just wish i knew some people and they actually talked to me . and i also wish i didnt feel stupid and insignificant around everyone else. im working on that.

so erin was supposed to teach me how to snowboard today but she canceled, so i get to be stuck at home on fucking valentines day. i hate it here too. i dont know i just cant stand my parents sometimes. i dont mind the house as much when theyre not here, and i feel really bad about it but thats just how i feel. OH MY GOD GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! ILL DO ANYTHING !!! if anyone wants to do anything ever, just give me a call or an email. call preferably.

so valentines day sucks

i was happy but that dissappeared. well, no i guess i wasnt happy. lol, im like never happy, but i can act very well, so well that no one notices when i was crying 5 minutes earlier. or when i feel like i want to plunge a sword through my heart. theres already one in place of my heart which stopsn on occasion. it only started on friday nite. wonder why. lol. its not like people care though, i only hold on for that god damn promise. im not even sure if mike even cares anymore, or mark. or nikki or erin, or anybody.

i just want to feel loved again. i want someone to just take me in your arms and tell me that itll be okay. that ill get through this. that im worth something. i miss just randomly being hugged tightly and then kissed. i miss that, and i keep waking up and thinking it was a bad dream again , but the thing is that this time its real. and that scares me and hurts me so much i dont think he could even comprehend even if he tried. i dont think anyone could. til time ends eh? well its still slipping by now. it hasnt been forever yet, and i havent stopped wanting you. or loving you. you dont even care though, do you? not like you read this anyway so nothing i say or feel matters.

love, hugs and flowers and such

zhanna

so, considering the craig broke up with me, im thinking hes never gonna read this again. so if im ever tempted to bitch, i can. though i dont really want to. im just really really confused. part of me is just what the hell, cant he see what hes missing? and then most of me just wonders what i did wrong. whats wrong with me? i dont know, i just dont understand how someone could love someone that much and then one day stop. i dont really feel anything except for confusion. and that feeling that you have that you have a large, blunt, metal pole wreathed in fire shoved through my chest. but thats all. i can barely feel sadness, much less happiness, joy, anger, anything. just .....i dont know. its like ive been torn in half, yet im numb, so numb that its frightening. ive nearly gone off the road five times. i just lose track, and the next minute i know, im swerving away from heading into the ditch, a tree, or a sign. why am i like this? im not even angry. well at myself, perhaps, but i just feel really really alone. lost. betrayed. scared. i lost my safe place. “lying on the floor, ive come undone”. im cold. inside. i dont understand, i wish hed tell me what i did wrong. nikki read my tarot cards. lol. and they said that my past influences that lead me to be so damned paranoid are what annoyed him and did what i had all those bad dreams about. i was so paranoid that hed hurt me and break up with me that i acted weird and freaky so he did just that. he promised me that hed never do that. he said hed love me until time stopped or until i didnt want him anymore. well, i still want him. even if i dont have his heart any longer, he still has mine. maybe thats why i feel so empty, i have no heart. and yeah. so, my heart has literally stopped three times. it was scary and my chest feels like its on fire. and ive only cried a few times. but thats because i cant feel anything. and im not exaggerating. i cant feel. just why? i want to understand. i need a hug. he was my safe place, i trusted him with all ive got. but even if he never comes back, i still love him, and if all i can be is friends with him, then ive got to at least be that. ill always be there for him. i just wish i had someone to just wrap me in their arms and tell me that its alright. someone i can cry to. and they wont be scared off. or ashamed. i wish i had someone that loved me. but i lost him. its all my fault. im sorry. i love you. if it matters, or if it ever will. and im sorry. ill try to not be scared or paranoid. ill try until it kills me. yeah. just wanted to let you know that.

love, flowers, hugs, and such

-jessie

singing in the rain has to be one of the best films ever made. lol, i think that i get a love for old movies from my grannie pat. especially this one and seven brides for seven brothers. ooo tap dancing in this. lol, so yeah. i finished my project, well a day late, but its all good, erica said that she really likes it and i didnt get into any trouble. cosmo is the best character though in the whole movie. awwwww love scenes......yeah, yeah, i know, i know, shush. well, not literally, unless anyone starts laughing at me. but at least im not ashamed of loving chick ficks and the sort. oooo!!!! speaking of which, ever after is gonna be on tv on sunday. that movie rocks sososo much. i wonder if anyone would like to watch it with me? or are they busy? find out next time on .......uhhhh.....that one thing.

i think im gonna write later

love, flowers, and hugs and such

-zhannichka

so, today, in a few minutes, i shall be heading off to target, which today shall substitute for my personal hell-- swimsuit shopping. that is just about the worst self-esteem kick in the ass issue that i can go through. its actually rather painful. wow. so yeah. if i dont come back from this dangerous mission, i might have had either my heart burst, a hemmorage, or perhaps even an aneurysm. i dont know yet. but just saying that i might not ever come back. especially for me its a horrible, horrible, scary-assed thing. meep! so yeah. cory's looking at my calender. kind of as a side note, i dont really know. oh god 8 minutes til hell opens up and swallows me whole. well technically i, as i have probably said manymany times, i dont actually believe in hell. but ya know, its a saying. i think. abby's down again, amos is trying on emmy's glasses. two minutes til shopping. i think this is the only kind of shopping that i loathe. its time......oh god i dont want to go. but i have to go now. if i should return ill write again. if not i love ya'll, and yeah. much love, flowers, and hugs, and such!

zhanna

well, i feel a bit better after ummmm.... *embarrased* waking up the craig. dammit, it was 12:20pm, i thought youd be up. im sorry, once again. but i like talking to yas. as i always say that, so im betting you know this already. then i called nikki cause the rents said i could have a friend stay the night but people said theyd all be busy so i called her. she had to clean all day. o! but my mom made french toast for me for breakfast (at like 3pm) and showering is good and yeah. lol. kate called but my cell started to die. ummmm watched most of xmen 2. laura called and i met her and caroline at the cabin, and derek was there, which was cool. we then piled into her car, blaze, and picked up kynan on the way to perkins, where i had toast. i like toast. and i finished off most of dereks french fries, because he ate his steak and rice and i got those. kynan got potatoe pancakes, which were really good (he let me taste it, what a nice guy). and abby, silas, and tibby showed up after their movie, and abby gave me a set of tarot cards, which was wonderfully nice of her, though i told people no presants. yet many ignored me. erin does this every freakin year. ;P! lol, but i love my erinichka. o man! megs forgot one of her shirts here, so people have to remind me to get it back, along with ross' movie which ive had since my halloween party, and people's xmas presants.

anyway, it wasnt all that bad, though it did suck. i thought birthdays were supposed to be special, ya know? i dunno, im thinkin of going to see love,actually in the theater.....CAUSE I CAN! mwahahaahaha. i hope i get to see it with someone, but i usually end up going to the theater alone. im an unintentional hermit. dammit. it sucks, i like people, though many hate me. but at least i have my friends, they mean the world to me.

and hey! he does read this still!.....uh-oh, i wonder if thats a bad thing.......nah. i am denying my paranoia. like i said in the last entry, even though i think i am sometimes, im not gonna freak him out or drive him away, because i know that he at least moderately understands that i just freak out with the paranoia when im upset. and my 17th birthday resolution is to beat down this annoying and pointless paranoia which means nothing because i know its annoying and i love the craig and i dont want to piss him off just because im over-emotional. which is stupid. so there. im gonna be better. in general, but like, not like happier, cause im incredibly happy, up to the point where i cant stop smiling and only notice when my face starts hurting; but like just realizing that im being stupid when im like that, as i said. life is great. though today was on the sucky side, i still have everything i need

lol quote which kind of applies (cept for ca) to life "I love a man from California. Hes the prettiest thing we got the same disorder. The way you feel is OK its never gonna change anyway. It hit me I got everyone i need It hit me I got everything i need .

thats a great song yayers. well im at a loss for words now. perhaps later there shall be more writing

o yeah! i know you listen, craig. i just didnt think you read this. but whatever, its all good. and yay for the cds and tatoo! who is running up that hill originally by? i dont think ive heard of it before. but i like this cd, ive been playing it the majority of the day. *nods* and mother earth is great too. yay! *hugs*. but yeah

love, flowers, hugs, and the like

zhannichka