so, considering the craig broke up with me, im thinking hes never gonna read this again. so if im ever tempted to bitch, i can. though i dont really want to. im just really really confused. part of me is just what the hell, cant he see what hes missing? and then most of me just wonders what i did wrong. whats wrong with me? i dont know, i just dont understand how someone could love someone that much and then one day stop. i dont really feel anything except for confusion. and that feeling that you have that you have a large, blunt, metal pole wreathed in fire shoved through my chest. but thats all. i can barely feel sadness, much less happiness, joy, anger, anything. just .....i dont know. its like ive been torn in half, yet im numb, so numb that its frightening. ive nearly gone off the road five times. i just lose track, and the next minute i know, im swerving away from heading into the ditch, a tree, or a sign. why am i like this? im not even angry. well at myself, perhaps, but i just feel really really alone. lost. betrayed. scared. i lost my safe place. “lying on the floor, ive come undone”. im cold. inside. i dont understand, i wish hed tell me what i did wrong. nikki read my tarot cards. lol. and they said that my past influences that lead me to be so damned paranoid are what annoyed him and did what i had all those bad dreams about. i was so paranoid that hed hurt me and break up with me that i acted weird and freaky so he did just that. he promised me that hed never do that. he said hed love me until time stopped or until i didnt want him anymore. well, i still want him. even if i dont have his heart any longer, he still has mine. maybe thats why i feel so empty, i have no heart. and yeah. so, my heart has literally stopped three times. it was scary and my chest feels like its on fire. and ive only cried a few times. but thats because i cant feel anything. and im not exaggerating. i cant feel. just why? i want to understand. i need a hug. he was my safe place, i trusted him with all ive got. but even if he never comes back, i still love him, and if all i can be is friends with him, then ive got to at least be that. ill always be there for him. i just wish i had someone to just wrap me in their arms and tell me that its alright. someone i can cry to. and they wont be scared off. or ashamed. i wish i had someone that loved me. but i lost him. its all my fault. im sorry. i love you. if it matters, or if it ever will. and im sorry. ill try to not be scared or paranoid. ill try until it kills me. yeah. just wanted to let you know that.

love, flowers, hugs, and such

-jessie

singing in the rain has to be one of the best films ever made. lol, i think that i get a love for old movies from my grannie pat. especially this one and seven brides for seven brothers. ooo tap dancing in this. lol, so yeah. i finished my project, well a day late, but its all good, erica said that she really likes it and i didnt get into any trouble. cosmo is the best character though in the whole movie. awwwww love scenes......yeah, yeah, i know, i know, shush. well, not literally, unless anyone starts laughing at me. but at least im not ashamed of loving chick ficks and the sort. oooo!!!! speaking of which, ever after is gonna be on tv on sunday. that movie rocks sososo much. i wonder if anyone would like to watch it with me? or are they busy? find out next time on .......uhhhh.....that one thing.

i think im gonna write later

love, flowers, and hugs and such

-zhannichka

so, today, in a few minutes, i shall be heading off to target, which today shall substitute for my personal hell-- swimsuit shopping. that is just about the worst self-esteem kick in the ass issue that i can go through. its actually rather painful. wow. so yeah. if i dont come back from this dangerous mission, i might have had either my heart burst, a hemmorage, or perhaps even an aneurysm. i dont know yet. but just saying that i might not ever come back. especially for me its a horrible, horrible, scary-assed thing. meep! so yeah. cory's looking at my calender. kind of as a side note, i dont really know. oh god 8 minutes til hell opens up and swallows me whole. well technically i, as i have probably said manymany times, i dont actually believe in hell. but ya know, its a saying. i think. abby's down again, amos is trying on emmy's glasses. two minutes til shopping. i think this is the only kind of shopping that i loathe. its time......oh god i dont want to go. but i have to go now. if i should return ill write again. if not i love ya'll, and yeah. much love, flowers, and hugs, and such!

zhanna

well, i feel a bit better after ummmm.... *embarrased* waking up the craig. dammit, it was 12:20pm, i thought youd be up. im sorry, once again. but i like talking to yas. as i always say that, so im betting you know this already. then i called nikki cause the rents said i could have a friend stay the night but people said theyd all be busy so i called her. she had to clean all day. o! but my mom made french toast for me for breakfast (at like 3pm) and showering is good and yeah. lol. kate called but my cell started to die. ummmm watched most of xmen 2. laura called and i met her and caroline at the cabin, and derek was there, which was cool. we then piled into her car, blaze, and picked up kynan on the way to perkins, where i had toast. i like toast. and i finished off most of dereks french fries, because he ate his steak and rice and i got those. kynan got potatoe pancakes, which were really good (he let me taste it, what a nice guy). and abby, silas, and tibby showed up after their movie, and abby gave me a set of tarot cards, which was wonderfully nice of her, though i told people no presants. yet many ignored me. erin does this every freakin year. ;P! lol, but i love my erinichka. o man! megs forgot one of her shirts here, so people have to remind me to get it back, along with ross' movie which ive had since my halloween party, and people's xmas presants.

anyway, it wasnt all that bad, though it did suck. i thought birthdays were supposed to be special, ya know? i dunno, im thinkin of going to see love,actually in the theater.....CAUSE I CAN! mwahahaahaha. i hope i get to see it with someone, but i usually end up going to the theater alone. im an unintentional hermit. dammit. it sucks, i like people, though many hate me. but at least i have my friends, they mean the world to me.

and hey! he does read this still!.....uh-oh, i wonder if thats a bad thing.......nah. i am denying my paranoia. like i said in the last entry, even though i think i am sometimes, im not gonna freak him out or drive him away, because i know that he at least moderately understands that i just freak out with the paranoia when im upset. and my 17th birthday resolution is to beat down this annoying and pointless paranoia which means nothing because i know its annoying and i love the craig and i dont want to piss him off just because im over-emotional. which is stupid. so there. im gonna be better. in general, but like, not like happier, cause im incredibly happy, up to the point where i cant stop smiling and only notice when my face starts hurting; but like just realizing that im being stupid when im like that, as i said. life is great. though today was on the sucky side, i still have everything i need

lol quote which kind of applies (cept for ca) to life "I love a man from California. Hes the prettiest thing we got the same disorder. The way you feel is OK its never gonna change anyway. It hit me I got everyone i need It hit me I got everything i need .

thats a great song yayers. well im at a loss for words now. perhaps later there shall be more writing

o yeah! i know you listen, craig. i just didnt think you read this. but whatever, its all good. and yay for the cds and tatoo! who is running up that hill originally by? i dont think ive heard of it before. but i like this cd, ive been playing it the majority of the day. *nods* and mother earth is great too. yay! *hugs*. but yeah

love, flowers, hugs, and the like

zhannichka

today is my birthday, and yesterday/last nite i had a party. it went alright. kinda

so i had it on the 30th cause i was told that the boy was gonna hang out with me. apparently not, because of homework. i understand, but it feels shitty. and it was supposed to be a sleepover thingie, at least for chicks, but no one could or wanted too. and no one can do anything today. so yay for spending my birthday, a day usually supposed to be special, in my room, by myself. yay.

i did get some rockin stuff, even though i told people not to get me anything. i got a kick ass candle and holder, and an orlando bloom poster from jesse and erin; some rockin jewlery from tiff, suckers from bonny; but i think the best are the two awesome cds and the tatoo from the craig. but its all so great! but i told them no! dammit. people are supposed to listen. though i probably would have felt a little bad if i hadnt gotten anything from anyone, but i feel really guilty when i get stuff from friends. a cool thing though- even though matt couldnt come, his band is dedicating a song on their cd for me, called for the best. its loading now so i can hear it.

in any case, my eyes are hurting so ill go to sleep soon. lol, i look like ive been beaten up. my face is all red and splotchy from before. crying for 2 hours is not fun. or smart. its pointless and dumb when its just because you're gonna be left all alone on your birthday because of homework. see? stupid. i do stupid things. actually i cant help it. i try not to, but i fail. o yeah, and my face is bloody from my damn nose. i think it usually happens when im under stress or get a headache becasue it hurts so much. man, my sister is so great, she wrote one of those emails that you will never send, being all kinda protective over me, and it was really nice. especially when , even though i know my friends and craig care about me very much, and love me very much; its especially nice when despite that, i think that im losing everyone and they dont care at all about me. i love my katia.

and this is one of the entries where i dont know if i should be relieved that craig doesnt read this anymore. lol, the songs on the cd he burned for me kick ass, like sweet child of mine is one of my all-time favorites. but thats besides the point. the one for ummmmm...*checking* 1998 fits me. i think im paranoid by garbage. im scared of what hell think but i shouldnt be because i know that its not gonna freak him out or drive him away. i know better than that. i just get weird when i get sad. i hope he understands, and i think he does. im glad i have him and kate, and erin, and all my friends. and matt, mike, and mark. lol, my three best male friends all have m's. heehee, kinda odd.

o well, i think im gonna get changed and sleep now. ugh! i forgot! lol, after i wash the blood off of my face. anywaysers

love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka

alright, so i deleted it. it was beginning to horrify me, it was so idiotic. but hey, lesson learned to not be so damn paranoid--it is not a good thing, or even bad. its like triple bad badness. now thats fuckin bad. anyways

so, i have been cleaning out my room, once again, because i got sick of that damn bucket, and i dont want my room to look like shit on friday. im taking a break though, til about six o'clock....oooo! finch song!! hahahhahaha. yeah. so new york was pretty good, but the whole having a gift shop in a cathedral (st. patricks) was a bit scary. more than a bit. has the world actually gotten that obsessed with money? sure, i personally am a huge mall-rat/shopaholic. but even for me thats odd and crossing the line . *shudders*. but times square was pretty cool, once again. after a span of like 5 years of checking in, virgin records still doesnt have a lot of music, namely no sleazy russian pop, with the exception of TATY. i just found another gift certificate from uhhhh i think last christmas. i hope it still works, because its for barnes and nobles. o!!!! so craig, at my party, i have pics of a certain band's preformance place. mwahahahaha. cause we walked by and me and kynan and like 2 other people were the only one's who knew of them. which is kinda scary, because ive known who they were for years, and i dont really like them a lot. they are decent which is why they're on my comp, but not like nirvana, smashing pumpkins, or the distillers. still. heehee

uhhhhh the met kicked major arse once again- i got to see van gogh, monet, manet, ceazanne (aaa! dont know spelling!), and picasso. man, tibby especially has to see that someday, shell love it. i dont think shes been there yet. and the mummies!!!! *sighs!* that was like, the COOLEST!!! and they still had their roman part. the egyptian though? i remember being there and seeing the same things, like the ginourmous!! sarcophagus thats kinda dark and is in the middle of the floor; from when i was a little girl and my daddy took my sister and i there. i had a hot dog from one of the vendors outside of the met, and there were so many vendors because it was the summer. and oh man. new york kicks ass. cept for our roach/rat hostel

so yeah. i now know part of sweet home alabama on the guitar. im aiming for strawberry gashes by jack off jill next. but yeah. my writing kinda died. im gonna stop now

love, flowers, hugs, and whatnot

-zhannichka

so i should probably delete that last thing because i was being idiotic, but i wrote it so it satys, to give yall an idea of my idioticness. its all good though

back from new york, birthday soon, fighting with parents, crying, dissappointment, realization of ass-suckage at guitar, kewl shirts, still tummy-butterflies

life is even better than it was before

love, flowers, hugs and such

-zhanna

well, its friday, once again, and also once again im doing nothing but sitting on my desk, which is on the second level of desks.....dont ask. its a bit odders. os i went shopping yesterday and got two, thats right, two see-through shirts. well, one is white which is the bigger problem, since my bra is burgundy. lol, im sure everyone needed that little tidbit of information. the other one is red which you cant really see-though it that much. and i look damn sexy in it. even i think so. it looks great with my hair down. wow, i sound really superficial. but i think the running around when i tried it on for my sis last nite, and screaming "who's hot? i am, thats right, me" kind of counteracted the badness.

our room is by far the messiest room in the school. last semester it was plum's room. now its erica's new room. what is everyones obsession with diet coke? its insane. so are the guys here. holy shite. kynan, john sobieck and andrew just made a mix of them making these weird rap noises. and now if you put it on repeat.......ack. its very very weird.

oh my god this is all sooooo insane. my dad might go on the trip, actually, probably. i think i just might be stuck here forever. o well. so....its only 2:43 and for the past few hours i feel like we only have 5 minutes left. man. this is all grr and whatnot. im sitting on this awesome lounge thingie, which is like that really odd burnt orange colour that was popular in the 70's. wow, this train ride is going to be either totally sucky, or rockin. im not sure which one yet-its hard to tell. i cant bring my comp, so ill have to manually write down things. or not manuarlly, but on paper. oh, so earlier, i had a music war with matt huffman, who was playing blumchen really fucking loud, so i played bad russian music and black sabbath loud, but he showed me how to make my comp really fuckin loud. sah-weet!

anyways, im gonna go. love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka

hello all. today has been an odd and weirdly boring day of sorts, as so far this week has sucked ass. Yesterday, on my way home, on this shittyshitty curve by my house that you're supposed to go 20mph on, i decided to go only 15 because, i say again, it was shitty. when i was in the process of coming out of that turn, my car decided to slide, so i over-turned , or whatever the proper term is, and my car did a 360 and went backwards into the ditch. it only went in a few feet, but i screamed a lot anyway, probably because it was SCARY AS HELL. today when i got up and out of the shower i was woozy and nauseus, so i slept til 1 pm. i think that my spelling of that word has always been horrible, so yeah.

anyways, yeah. im getting off, ill write tomorrow

love, flowers, hugs, and the like

-zhanna