well, i feel a bit better after ummmm.... *embarrased* waking up the craig. dammit, it was 12:20pm, i thought youd be up. im sorry, once again. but i like talking to yas. as i always say that, so im betting you know this already. then i called nikki cause the rents said i could have a friend stay the night but people said theyd all be busy so i called her. she had to clean all day. o! but my mom made french toast for me for breakfast (at like 3pm) and showering is good and yeah. lol. kate called but my cell started to die. ummmm watched most of xmen 2. laura called and i met her and caroline at the cabin, and derek was there, which was cool. we then piled into her car, blaze, and picked up kynan on the way to perkins, where i had toast. i like toast. and i finished off most of dereks french fries, because he ate his steak and rice and i got those. kynan got potatoe pancakes, which were really good (he let me taste it, what a nice guy). and abby, silas, and tibby showed up after their movie, and abby gave me a set of tarot cards, which was wonderfully nice of her, though i told people no presants. yet many ignored me. erin does this every freakin year. ;P! lol, but i love my erinichka. o man! megs forgot one of her shirts here, so people have to remind me to get it back, along with ross' movie which ive had since my halloween party, and people's xmas presants.

anyway, it wasnt all that bad, though it did suck. i thought birthdays were supposed to be special, ya know? i dunno, im thinkin of going to see love,actually in the theater.....CAUSE I CAN! mwahahaahaha. i hope i get to see it with someone, but i usually end up going to the theater alone. im an unintentional hermit. dammit. it sucks, i like people, though many hate me. but at least i have my friends, they mean the world to me.

and hey! he does read this still!.....uh-oh, i wonder if thats a bad thing.......nah. i am denying my paranoia. like i said in the last entry, even though i think i am sometimes, im not gonna freak him out or drive him away, because i know that he at least moderately understands that i just freak out with the paranoia when im upset. and my 17th birthday resolution is to beat down this annoying and pointless paranoia which means nothing because i know its annoying and i love the craig and i dont want to piss him off just because im over-emotional. which is stupid. so there. im gonna be better. in general, but like, not like happier, cause im incredibly happy, up to the point where i cant stop smiling and only notice when my face starts hurting; but like just realizing that im being stupid when im like that, as i said. life is great. though today was on the sucky side, i still have everything i need

lol quote which kind of applies (cept for ca) to life "I love a man from California. Hes the prettiest thing we got the same disorder. The way you feel is OK its never gonna change anyway. It hit me I got everyone i need It hit me I got everything i need .

thats a great song yayers. well im at a loss for words now. perhaps later there shall be more writing

o yeah! i know you listen, craig. i just didnt think you read this. but whatever, its all good. and yay for the cds and tatoo! who is running up that hill originally by? i dont think ive heard of it before. but i like this cd, ive been playing it the majority of the day. *nods* and mother earth is great too. yay! *hugs*. but yeah

love, flowers, hugs, and the like

zhannichka

today is my birthday, and yesterday/last nite i had a party. it went alright. kinda

so i had it on the 30th cause i was told that the boy was gonna hang out with me. apparently not, because of homework. i understand, but it feels shitty. and it was supposed to be a sleepover thingie, at least for chicks, but no one could or wanted too. and no one can do anything today. so yay for spending my birthday, a day usually supposed to be special, in my room, by myself. yay.

i did get some rockin stuff, even though i told people not to get me anything. i got a kick ass candle and holder, and an orlando bloom poster from jesse and erin; some rockin jewlery from tiff, suckers from bonny; but i think the best are the two awesome cds and the tatoo from the craig. but its all so great! but i told them no! dammit. people are supposed to listen. though i probably would have felt a little bad if i hadnt gotten anything from anyone, but i feel really guilty when i get stuff from friends. a cool thing though- even though matt couldnt come, his band is dedicating a song on their cd for me, called for the best. its loading now so i can hear it.

in any case, my eyes are hurting so ill go to sleep soon. lol, i look like ive been beaten up. my face is all red and splotchy from before. crying for 2 hours is not fun. or smart. its pointless and dumb when its just because you're gonna be left all alone on your birthday because of homework. see? stupid. i do stupid things. actually i cant help it. i try not to, but i fail. o yeah, and my face is bloody from my damn nose. i think it usually happens when im under stress or get a headache becasue it hurts so much. man, my sister is so great, she wrote one of those emails that you will never send, being all kinda protective over me, and it was really nice. especially when , even though i know my friends and craig care about me very much, and love me very much; its especially nice when despite that, i think that im losing everyone and they dont care at all about me. i love my katia.

and this is one of the entries where i dont know if i should be relieved that craig doesnt read this anymore. lol, the songs on the cd he burned for me kick ass, like sweet child of mine is one of my all-time favorites. but thats besides the point. the one for ummmmm...*checking* 1998 fits me. i think im paranoid by garbage. im scared of what hell think but i shouldnt be because i know that its not gonna freak him out or drive him away. i know better than that. i just get weird when i get sad. i hope he understands, and i think he does. im glad i have him and kate, and erin, and all my friends. and matt, mike, and mark. lol, my three best male friends all have m's. heehee, kinda odd.

o well, i think im gonna get changed and sleep now. ugh! i forgot! lol, after i wash the blood off of my face. anywaysers

love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka

alright, so i deleted it. it was beginning to horrify me, it was so idiotic. but hey, lesson learned to not be so damn paranoid--it is not a good thing, or even bad. its like triple bad badness. now thats fuckin bad. anyways

so, i have been cleaning out my room, once again, because i got sick of that damn bucket, and i dont want my room to look like shit on friday. im taking a break though, til about six o'clock....oooo! finch song!! hahahhahaha. yeah. so new york was pretty good, but the whole having a gift shop in a cathedral (st. patricks) was a bit scary. more than a bit. has the world actually gotten that obsessed with money? sure, i personally am a huge mall-rat/shopaholic. but even for me thats odd and crossing the line . *shudders*. but times square was pretty cool, once again. after a span of like 5 years of checking in, virgin records still doesnt have a lot of music, namely no sleazy russian pop, with the exception of TATY. i just found another gift certificate from uhhhh i think last christmas. i hope it still works, because its for barnes and nobles. o!!!! so craig, at my party, i have pics of a certain band's preformance place. mwahahahaha. cause we walked by and me and kynan and like 2 other people were the only one's who knew of them. which is kinda scary, because ive known who they were for years, and i dont really like them a lot. they are decent which is why they're on my comp, but not like nirvana, smashing pumpkins, or the distillers. still. heehee

uhhhhh the met kicked major arse once again- i got to see van gogh, monet, manet, ceazanne (aaa! dont know spelling!), and picasso. man, tibby especially has to see that someday, shell love it. i dont think shes been there yet. and the mummies!!!! *sighs!* that was like, the COOLEST!!! and they still had their roman part. the egyptian though? i remember being there and seeing the same things, like the ginourmous!! sarcophagus thats kinda dark and is in the middle of the floor; from when i was a little girl and my daddy took my sister and i there. i had a hot dog from one of the vendors outside of the met, and there were so many vendors because it was the summer. and oh man. new york kicks ass. cept for our roach/rat hostel

so yeah. i now know part of sweet home alabama on the guitar. im aiming for strawberry gashes by jack off jill next. but yeah. my writing kinda died. im gonna stop now

love, flowers, hugs, and whatnot

-zhannichka

so i should probably delete that last thing because i was being idiotic, but i wrote it so it satys, to give yall an idea of my idioticness. its all good though

back from new york, birthday soon, fighting with parents, crying, dissappointment, realization of ass-suckage at guitar, kewl shirts, still tummy-butterflies

life is even better than it was before

love, flowers, hugs and such

-zhanna

well, its friday, once again, and also once again im doing nothing but sitting on my desk, which is on the second level of desks.....dont ask. its a bit odders. os i went shopping yesterday and got two, thats right, two see-through shirts. well, one is white which is the bigger problem, since my bra is burgundy. lol, im sure everyone needed that little tidbit of information. the other one is red which you cant really see-though it that much. and i look damn sexy in it. even i think so. it looks great with my hair down. wow, i sound really superficial. but i think the running around when i tried it on for my sis last nite, and screaming "who's hot? i am, thats right, me" kind of counteracted the badness.

our room is by far the messiest room in the school. last semester it was plum's room. now its erica's new room. what is everyones obsession with diet coke? its insane. so are the guys here. holy shite. kynan, john sobieck and andrew just made a mix of them making these weird rap noises. and now if you put it on repeat.......ack. its very very weird.

oh my god this is all sooooo insane. my dad might go on the trip, actually, probably. i think i just might be stuck here forever. o well. so....its only 2:43 and for the past few hours i feel like we only have 5 minutes left. man. this is all grr and whatnot. im sitting on this awesome lounge thingie, which is like that really odd burnt orange colour that was popular in the 70's. wow, this train ride is going to be either totally sucky, or rockin. im not sure which one yet-its hard to tell. i cant bring my comp, so ill have to manually write down things. or not manuarlly, but on paper. oh, so earlier, i had a music war with matt huffman, who was playing blumchen really fucking loud, so i played bad russian music and black sabbath loud, but he showed me how to make my comp really fuckin loud. sah-weet!

anyways, im gonna go. love, flowers, hugs, and such

zhannichka

hello all. today has been an odd and weirdly boring day of sorts, as so far this week has sucked ass. Yesterday, on my way home, on this shittyshitty curve by my house that you're supposed to go 20mph on, i decided to go only 15 because, i say again, it was shitty. when i was in the process of coming out of that turn, my car decided to slide, so i over-turned , or whatever the proper term is, and my car did a 360 and went backwards into the ditch. it only went in a few feet, but i screamed a lot anyway, probably because it was SCARY AS HELL. today when i got up and out of the shower i was woozy and nauseus, so i slept til 1 pm. i think that my spelling of that word has always been horrible, so yeah.

anyways, yeah. im getting off, ill write tomorrow

love, flowers, hugs, and the like

-zhanna

dont be sorry you goofy goofy person you. its not a big deal, i just figured that people didnt remember about this. and its a journal so people dont actually ya know...i dunno. eh, writing essays--ffeh. dammit. school. rock! you were singing it? thats so cool. ive never heard you sing, and of course you can sing. you're probably better than me, but that isnt hard. but yeah. why dont you sing in public? you should, its good for you. ;)

oh my gods, im beginning to wish i had never gone to treknorth. they switched the fucking schedule from eight classes- four every other day; to six classes- three every day for a semester, or whatever the hell they call it. i think i was bitching about this when we signed up.

aaaa!!!! my sister is being so god damn bitchy! at least shes getting a salad for me since she has the car, just because shes in town. she is so god damn favored. she gets first pick on everything. if she ever put gas in the van, it would start and my parents wouldnt have to worry. she says since she filled it up last week she shouldnt have to this week. shes the one who has been fucking driving it everywhere!!!!! aaaa!!! and shes being bitchy about a damn salad. shes all if she gets the salad, then she gets the car tomorrow! that is so not damn fair! dammit, i hate this

so, today is sucking ass. kate says that i might not get into any college. gee, my sister is nice. its not like im a freakin straight "f" student. im just not all that smart. though i am not stupid, so there. yeah, that sounded really childish. damn. ill start again.

so, though today sucks ass, im going to try to find something happy. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........................yeah........so. we just moved all of our leftover garage sale junk out into the vans to go to twice but nice, and a few boxes out to the trash dump thing. exciting , i know, but anyways, kynan was tossing bags of stuff out to lizzy? i think to go to the vans, and he dropped the tv. it was quite funny. at lunch though i was on the college board website to put through a search for colleges and i think 33 came up after i revised it for a third time. i know i wanted to go to ithaca, but i dont think that im going to get in. and i dont want to move so far away from all of my friends. i dont even know where mark is going, much less cedes or any of my friends here. i think that the majority want to stay in the midwest . grr! if the only college that i get accepted to is in minnesota im going to go insane. the only other three that ive ever considered in my life are dartmouth (yeah, like im that smart), yale, and cornell college. even the latter one seems so impossible right now. maybe my dreams just arent meant for me. but how could i ever survive life without college? or anthropology? or russian? or more fun english classes. i feel so lost now. im just not smart

dammit, i said id be happy. think happy thoughts. happy.......happy was the name of a line of dogs who tried to kill people. my uncle bob's mom had like this long succession of dogs who were all mean and they got locked up every time people came and you could hear them growling and tearing at the doors. and like literally tearing and ripping things, destroying doors. it was freaky. one of them jumped at my moms throat once. i dont remember but mom said that last night. o course i was little--his mom died a while ago......i remember she was old, and i was kind of scared of her, but i remember having lemonade. dont ask, im pretty damn weird. so.......... uh... life is odd. i dont understand it. but guess what? uhhh....i dont know

so whats my surprise?

love, hugs, flowers, and such

zhannichka

wow, so yeah. apparently no one comments anymore.....kinda odders.....i dunno. if anyone does read this, ummm.....o the craig, i finished it, and i still have to finish other peoples presants so if yall want em, come and find me

thats all.

love, flowers, hugs, and the like

zhanna

hello all, once again! its odd, since im on vacation from school, i dont seem to write as often. probably not a good sign. anyways, though today is the first day of the new year 2004, i shall still write about what all happened this week, which kicked major ass. then i shall write about this new year.

letsee......sunday came around and kate and i met laura in town and we picked up abs and went to the weny's house. yayyy!!! walked in the door and got hugs from the wendichka as well as jim-her dad, who rocks, and one from eric millar, one of kates friends. we hung around, played with emma the jealous dog, jealous because of the new puppy--bob. and we saw sprocket and goats and their cow, which has a name, i just cant remember it. o dude, its january 2nd. heehee. i made one year!!!! kick ass!

then on monday, craig got back, and it was also dad's birthday. but i went over there. always funners. but thats just because of the craig. cause he kicks ass. tuesday he came over (wow, there's a lot of the craig o craigness this week. never said that was a bad thing. quite the opposite,actually.). yay for hours of lotr!!!! heehee. i finally got to see the final one in the trilogy with him wednesday afternoon. went to target, dropped him back home (cause i got a call when i was nearing the movie theatre that mister my heater works better than yours (ya dont say that, im just permanently cold)'s car was not there, therefore fred and i were kind souls. ) . so yeah, anyways. nature-boy informed me tuesday that he was having a party on wednesday for new years. and i had to invite people. no one came, but i got to spend the night with him. i bet he loved that, didnt ya? lol, jk. i was a bit annoying, and dont argue with me. or do if you must. whatever. i dont know. its 12:29 am on the 2nd. im a bit tired. dont mind me. merfff.......hehe.....mrrroowww. *purrrrrr* heeheehee!!! im a bit odd. o yeah, so, anyways. watched empire records, a kick ass movie, then the countdown, father goose (yayyyyyyy!!! i love carey grant movies!!!!!!!), and mindless tv shows. like wildboyz. did i scar you for life by making you watch that???? hehehe. then sleep is goooood. nummy. etc. specially with three blankets so i dont freeze. merff. i think my sister has stopped reading this, so, yeah, you're the only one who reads, craig. how does that make you feel? **puts up stand **the psychiatrist is IN**hehe**. lol, so yeah. *whispers **you're comfy**, as a btw thingie. ate a cookie, went home, very happy, though sad to leave, which is not my fault that i did. talk to my parents if you dont want me to. see how well that goes over. it sucks, at least i think so. you're a bit onfusing, so i dont know what you think, this is why im constantly asking you stuff. i hope you dont mind. love ya

today i got home, on january first, after 2. sometime. got home, and mom was on the phone with kate. kate was still at her party, at karl's i think. dammit. it took her hours to get home, too. 2 or less maybe. but still! not fair. i know im a selfish bitch, but it sucks when she gets away with staying later when mom tells her to come home right then and she doesnt. whereas i get grounded a lot. uhhhhh......i stared at walls for hours, played the new trivial pursuit with my mom. right then it wasnt that fun. .....at all. remembered i forgot my ring, talked to craig, who freaked me out a whole a whole a whole lot. still very uneasy with the whole definately thing. feels a bit better, but still freaking out. but its all good. i love the craig. hope hes still the same way about me too. i freak. im sorry. anywys, on the internet, no one is talking to me. if craig read this soon, get off the internet and go do your homework, dammit. or call me, and ill tell ya that. cause you should come over on saturday. i know i repeat myself, but hey, my journal/diary like thingie, remember? o well. whomever read this, comment a very veryvery long comment, or email me, or call me. something. i feel a bit alone now. though ill just remember last nite and ill be happy and such.

o! almost forgot to write back to the comments. yay! im glad your uncle is okay. k, ya didnt write it, but ya told me, and it has to do with the comments. and liar, things make me look horrible all the time. though i like it when your all sweet. heehee, you're a sweetie. my sweetie. (again, 12:57 am on the 1st.) religion is freaky. i agree with that though, if i ever have kids, there will be no forcing of religious beliefs, im just going to support them (them being the hypothetical offspring) in whatever they choose, or if they dont choose anything. ill make up a list of those songs tomorrow, provided i rememeber. remind me if you can. though finish the homework. lol, yes i did call you, did that make you happy? im not gonna hurt you for the drumming o the fingers, however annoying it may get or be to me or others. in fact, i fully intend not to hurt you at all, ever. heeheeehee! matt said that? lol, thats damn funny. i would try and work the word ass in here, but thatd just be weird, and it wouldnt work at all. ASS. ok, so i had to. awwwww, you said you missed me. that makes me happy, a lot. though since i saw you earlier (yesterday), you probably dont anymore, and being that i called you about my ring, which id like back eventually. and you are not a brat, nor stupid. i jutst tease you, but not meanly. if ever i get to be really too bitchy, just tell me, ok? and yeah. still a bit freaked out. ya neez ny-you. ya tebya loo-blyou. its really hard to be phonetic with russian to english....or something. i dont know what i mean. heehee. im like that, im weird. but thats why ya like me!! heehee *giggles*. and you’re weird too, so it all works! heehee *girl giggles again and sticks tongue out at boy* anyways, im going to shut up now, and ill hopefully see you tomorrow if i dont talk to you later today.

love, hugs, flowers, and such!

zhannichka